A Look At What's Next

Not in Minnesota

2009-12-03T02:37:00.000-08:00

My room is a mess. The after Thanksgiving dinners have helped some. My friends in Long Beach have been very accommodating with their invites, but I've been predisposed with my new nephew. I love having a nephew in Los Angeles. I love kids. Holding Dane in my arms for hours while he slept was amazing today.
Recently my days have been filled with finding the elusive job, those jobs the Obama stimulus package have opened up all across this great nation. Alas, I have found none. McDonald's isn't even hiring...yeah, I've tried.
I don't know what else to say really. I've had families close to me donate finances for this time, and I've had friends offer their savings...it's strange in this time to be turned down for a Cheesecake Factory job, when I once was a Macaroni Grill superstar. Life is strange right now. Applying to anything and everything and not getting a response. I know these days are not forever, but it's strange nonetheless.
At least I'm still alive and not in Minnesota :)

Above Reproach

2009-07-26T02:22:00.001-07:00

What does that mean really? Well, I looked it up and this is the definition of reproach: Disgrace; shame. So, to be above reproach would be to be above disgrace or shame. I've hated that term for so long. I feel the reason may be because I always heard it coming from church ladies or simple minded weaker men in my life. I'm so sick of the traditional way people in America treat Christianity as a practice, as a lifestyle. I've traveled (granted not as much as most, but I've been out there). I've seen a people take part in a culture unlike Americans, a culture where Christians will meet for a few beers after a morning mass/service. Whatever. I'm over that point.
I respect that term now, being above reproach. I think there's much to be said about a man who can be looked at and deemed to be not "a disgrace" or "shameful". I guess I've always believed that being above reproach has more to do with what is seen around you, or who one should look up to. I agree, there are many men and families in the church who can lead a positive example, but I'm of the mindset that if I want to lead a positive example, I want to do it honestly.
I used to volunteer in the youth group at my church before I was of drinking age, but haven't since. Why? Because everyone that worked with youth in the church I grew up in had to vow not to drink or smoke or dance or whatever...to remain above reproach, and that pissed me off. I haven't volunteered since.
I'm beginning to question - question mind you - that if I am to live a life above reproach, does that mean I can't drink, dance, smoke or gamble for enjoyments sake?
I was talking with a lovely woman on the phone today and I expressed all this to her. I feel you who are married have an amazing ability to lead a life that remains above reproach as an example of a Christian couple to your community. Sure, there are those that seem more "spiritual" or further along in their understanding of such tic tacky subjects of the Christian life, but are those always THE example, period? I have a mentor and I love him to death, but if I'm expected to live up to the standard that he and his wife live, I will have to sacrifice much of who I am. And I'm not talking sinful stuff, I'm just saying normal stuff.
Dancing for example. I like to dance, I may not be good at it, but, I like it. I am looking for a woman who likes it too. I love Spain. I love the way they are so uninhibited and will just dance with anyone, because they love to do it. How come we cannot live a life here, where dancing and expression is celebrated? Where parties aren't just a bunch of chumps (like myself) standing around? To be above reproach in that sense, if one is married, has more to do with the couple doesn't it? If one wants to dance and the other is in conversation? Sure, people can question the shame of the person dancing, but what of the relationship of the couple? The wife dancing with a friend while the husband discusses with Keith about when he's going to have a child already? If the husband knows and has confidence with his wife, can't that be something freeing and an example to our culture?
I just hate the idea of living my life based on the weakest of faith. I guess that's my beef with all this. "If you cause your brother to stumble" because they are weaker in faith doesn't mean you live your life to the weakest among you. If we all did that, we'd become a bunch of Christians who constantly are taking the social temperature of our peers.
I respect the elders of my church, I do. But sometimes I think we all are individuals with different interests and pleasures. For some it's video games, for others it's something else. For me, I suppose it's looking across the room to see someone I love conversing with someone independent of myself, perhaps even dancing...and knowing we are in love, and a simple conversation or dance will not effect my faith in her or Christ. Even better, and more romantic, is seeing them dance with someone and cutting in essentially saving her and really showing her a good time.
That's all.

5AM!!! Are you Effing Kidding me?

2009-07-25T04:23:00.000-07:00

To wish for something seems like nonsense to me. I used to wish for stupid things at the Perkins restaurant "Wishing Well" before we had a treat of silver dollar pancakes, which, in itself was the very wish while waiting to be seated. Wishes after that never seemed to materialized unless they were verbally spoken so one might hear; even that seemed like a wash.
I wish. Is wishing a hope? Cause if it is, I'm down with that. But when asking a genie you hope for this or that, it doesn't make much sense when you know you're going to receive whatever you're hoping for. A wish seems more of a command in that sense doesn't it?
Wishing seems to be more of a lost cause though. I wish I were smarter, I wish I didn't marry so and so, I wish I wouldn't have voted Republican...etc. It's like a lost cause right?
The reason why I say this, and why I go to such length to explain, is because when I was about to update my blog I was about to write "I wish I could write gooder". Obviously I have made it stupid on purpose, but really, sometimes I wish I could write gooder. Then this whole thing about wishing being a lost cause came to mind, distracting me from whatever gooder thing I wanted to write. But, if wishes were hopes, then I have a chance, cause hope is cool. I think it's cool to have hope now, that's my new thing. But if wishing were a command (like to a genie), I'd already be writing gooder, but many of those who are reading, have already been able to pick out a dozen punctuation miscues...of which at, this, point I care. Not.
I wish I could erase all things I thought would end up hurting others...really...I do. I think there are a lot of those things out there, most are still outstanding. Even as I write this, I can hear the peanut gallery (so to speak) commenting "I wish you didn't write this and waste my time".
Who knows. I guess my thoughts with wishing are, we're either trying to glance back into the past, like, "I wish I never broke Biola's code of conduct and went to Ye Olde Ship that St. Patrick's day" or, looking forward, "I wish Keith and K would seriously just have a kid already!".
I don't care, it's neither here nor there, it's just the rambling of a tired, sleepy, worn out man. A man who wishes he could sleep and not think so much about ridiculous subjects.

This might hurt your brain...it hurt mine

2009-07-23T01:30:00.000-07:00

These are just thoughts mind you.
It would probably be wise of me to ponder these things in my heart for a time and write them in my memoirs, later to be found by my children and studied for decades after I'm gone; however, I doubt I'll have the opportunity to write these thoughts out, seeing as they come rarely and leave swiftly. Thoughts seem to haunt me just before sleep, more questions than conclusive "self talk". For instance.
Why didn't Gandhi bring peace and prosperity to all of India's citizens? Why has white America, after many years of apologizing for the sins of our slave owning fathers and admonishing those who endorse racism, still feeling the tension of guilt? Why are those who have felt oppression within this nation expecting this nation to change its tone and offer them riches in exchange? Why is Social Justice and political correctness more popular than the study of ancient philosophical truth and debate?
Remember when Cicero and Plato were popular in Rome? Remember when it was cool to study Cicero in depth and try to find discernment where he may have missed something, and perhaps you could add something further and change the course of thought for centuries? It was pretty cool to eloquently debate ideals which made spectators sit and watch (and perhaps learn something) and have respected philosophers and politicians take note.
Remember when it was cool to rationally accept others opinions then later research those opinions with the idea you may be wrong, but are rigorously studying so you could prove them wrong, then perhaps have an epiphany you both could ascribe to?
Remember when religious thought was apart of the debate and seen as a reasonable accepted approach to philosophy (as long as you were well educated with the popular pagan philosophers of the time)?
How come the average American male (between the ages of 17-35) is spending 2 1/2 hours a day playing video games while the ancient Roman student was expected to write books on rhetoric by age 20? Where did the value of reason go? Where did rational discourse disappear to?
Our modern American politicians are playboys and celebrities. Men and women who, from an early age, have learned the art of self promotion. Even their rhetoric is ignorant and makes no sense.
I don't know, this stuff just hit me this evening/early morning. I've been reading a biography of St. Augustine and it took me back 11 years to my philosophy classes when I was uninterested in mostly everything but girls. We didn't study Augustine, but I read a bit of Cicero and he's mentioned a lot in this book.
There was a general acceptance among thinkers to consider religious absolutes as long as they were absolutes that held water. And Christian thinkers accepted pagan discourse and debate, because they knew there was something intelligent there.
What happened to all that?
I met someone yesterday, a Christian man who confessed some pretty amazing things, things that encouraged, convicted and brought me deeper in my understanding of this whole "gay rights" thing. Remember when our culture started to demand we take wickedness (which is who we are, if given to ourselves) as a right? Remember when Christians began to believe that social justice and equality would promote holiness?
Well, in talking with this gentleman, I now know that a culture of "living gay is living holy" makes about as much sense as "living with your girlfriend is living holy". I can't believe how much our culture as a church has hurt this man's belief in a redeemed life. How amazing that God brought him to a place of understanding and ultimately a place to minister to me.
Remember when speaking boldly in truth was supposed to happen, and it was because we all thirst for knowledge, truth, understanding and ultimately a love none of us can offer or satisfy? Not a nation, not a sexual preference, not freedom of bondage, not even intelligence; none of these things satisfy our cravings for redemption, not to mention our fleshly lusts.
Don't think I'm discounting the place Gandhi played in history, or his political and spiritual leadership that pushed the British out of their country. However, who is going to free the Indian citizens from the social stratafication and restriction of the caste system that was ushered in as a result, now leaving the majority of India in poverty, starvation and death?
The social demographic in America is an interesting subject in itself, and in some ways reflects man's struggle with God. Adam (my father, of which all men are sons) sinned against himself and against God, thus, we are eternally looking to be righted for this wrong, we expect it even. The thing is this, we are looking for satisfaction everywhere and anywhere. Most importantly, we are looking at ourselves as a vessel that can offer this needed retribution and redemption through our careers, relationships, knowledge and social status, yet we remain tense with guilt, hate, cynicism and entitlement. Why is that? Why can't we just forgive Adam ourselves and move on? Why can't I ask another son of Adam to apologize for his father's sin and feel redeemed and justified? Well, for one, we don't have the power to forgive sins; two, we can't be redeemed by something that internally betrayed us.
I'm not surprised the social/racial temperature in America hasn't changed since Obama's inauguration, in some cases it's become worse. How can a country who has historically sinned against it's own citizens redeem itself? It can't. It certainly won't through the promotion of social justice, because that's based on what is expectation and entitlement, and in no way can America offer enough forgiveness.
If we were only a country that made it cool again to search out philosophical ideas that promoted deep thought into truth and debated these truths. If we could only see that the social justice movement is simply promoting an idea that if we can push one thing out we'll be on the road to healing; what that movement fails to see, is the same movement that pushed the British out of India ushered in a destructive and evil system of religious government which is killing it's citizens.
Our culture will never allow a rational debate of Christ as Savior who forgives all sins; until then, we will continue to worship our political correctness, our right to kill unborn babies and elevate our celebrities to the greatness of Cicero.

I have nothing clever to say

2009-07-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing much on this blog. It seems the constant stream of "tweets" and "status updates" have taken over, and sensory overload is almost at a peak. There is a slow, but very sobering realization regarding these social networking sites; they create an environment ripe for personal marketing and self exploitation. Sure, I love the idea that I have a place I can easily click through the photos I like, but in reality, I just want other people to look at my photos and think "wow, that's a really good shot, he should be a professional photographer" and then see there is actually a place underneath in which to comment "wow, that's a really good shot, you should be a professional photographer".
I easily fall into the lie that I need to outdo someone else's status update, I spend a good 5 minutes writing and rewriting a "clever" update worthy to be read, but then I quit, defeated that I couldn't really think of anything funny or thoughtful. This is where it gets ridiculous though, I begin to think to myself "I'm really not that clever" or "my photos aren't really that good, at least compared to this or that person".
So, I haven't written anything worth reading on this thing, because I've been spending my time roaming the sites that suck out any and all freedom to be myself, really be myself. And to be honest, that's not where I'm really able to be myself anyway, or shouldn't look to be myself; blogging isn't where I really am myself for that matter. I guess I've found myself to be most myself right here, in my room, reading. There was a time when I fooled myself into thinking I feel most myself at parties or social gatherings, but that's really not the truth either.
I'm not a very introverted individual, if you know me well, you know I don't consider leaving a party until a good handful of people are on their way out, and even then, I attempt to make the party last a bit longer. But, life around me is changing pretty quickly and I'm seeing the more I find myself alone, the more I'm discovering my desire to know myself the way God is currently preparing me to be or become.
I guess in order to really take on that type of observation, I've had to look at who God guided me to be back when I was just a kid, and how that relates to who I was yesterday and who I am today.
I question my ideas of family, my ideas of masculinity and my examples of both. Though I don't admit the influence of media has formed my opinion of what I deserve as a man, I cannot deny it has caused me to consider the very notion of "what I deserve 'as a man'".
I suppose we go on in our lives checking our "status updates" and "tweets" just to see what other people are doing, or because we want someone to care enough about us that they'll make a comment that will take 2 seconds; 2 seconds to make a comment and never have whatever we updated be brought up in person. Or we'll make suggestions other people should do, but when approached to actually come through on that idea, we make excuses. You see, I guess what I'm saying is, my cyber life is a lot easier to live. I really don't have to be working through anything, exploring my inner self to see whether or not I measure up as a man, a friend, a son; Facebook tells me whether I measure up on a day to day basis. It tells me whether I made a funny, clever, insightful comment or status update, or whether I took a good picture and made it look cool or not. I can reveal frustrations when I want attention, my exhaustion when I want sympathy, my joy when I want a pat on the back; I can make an encouraging comment or say happy birthday in a way everyone and their friends can see (with a profile picture that says, I'm the shit, you'll want to know me).
I am finding real interaction is a luxury in this world outside Facebook and Twitter, however, it is also a luxury to find old and forgotten friends and follow their lives from a distance, when otherwise would be completely unknown. But, the exploration of who I am and want to become is not a status update or tweet, it is not a new picture or comment, it is outside this computer seen by few.

Over the Hill

2009-05-31T08:50:00.000-07:00

I'm moving to Hollywood this afternoon.

Summertime

2009-05-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

That's when he looked up at me, under these muslin lights on the back porch after the smoke stung his eyes; he said "You should read the New Yorker, that is, if you want to know what's going on, everyone I know reads the New Yorker. I particularly like the writings of Nick Hornby as well...I mean, if you're looking to read".
It was a very hot and sweaty July evening, the kind of evening where the boxer briefs cling and the gnats can't seem to stay out of ones nostrils, the only thing happening this night, is a bottle of wine a hand rolled cigarette and the epiphany that I never want to say anything remotely close to what he just said.

2009-04-23T01:31:00.001-07:00

My barber, an older gentleman from Italy, has twice mentioned he'd like to "maybe 'hightlight' my hair on my next visit"; I'm not quite sure why he keeps suggesting this to me, I've never considered myself a "frosted tip" type, certainly not one to consider such a suggestion. Tony, the barber, tells me he at one time was a hired barber on the Warner Brothers studio lot many years ago, seems interesting enough to me, I'm just happy he has some skill with cutting. I don't need a cut for another few weeks, but I'm now faced with this question every visit and consider other throw-back hair fads that are now open to me. For instance, what about the lines on the side of the head just above the ear Dominic Wilkins style? Or, the quarter inch shave in the same area with a mullet? I guess there are some things men really shouldn't continue after 30, like wearing "skinny jeans" perhaps. I'm not one to judge...just sayin.

September 7th 2008...

2009-04-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

...was the day a harmless fender bender (101 fwy/Woodman Ave. intersection) became a few thousand dollars and a couple hundred hours of public servitude. Last night, while riding my bike to Universal City Station, my progress was inturrupted by yet another fender bender, by yet another careless woman driver not paying attention and once again I was hit at the very same intersection.

No need to worry, I've had worse bruises and scrapes (as a rad bmx'r when helmets weren't invented yet and Christian Slater was Gleaming the Cube), however I was a little freaked that the woman might call an ambulance or the cops and I'd be arrested. I made my way to the Red Line and played some pool with some friends. Yay! I have a feeling God is telling me something. Perhaps I wasn't meant to live in Sherman Oaks, perhaps I wasn't meant to be around that intersection. I think I'll move.

Oh...and Good Friday wasn't so good last year either.

Happy Easter everyone.
I have a "He is risen" party to attend.

Ciao.

House (the show)

2009-02-26T15:49:00.000-08:00

I think I might end up on the show House, well, not really ON the show, but at least develop some strange disabling sickness that would be written into a script for the show. See, you know how I’m always complaining that my ceiling leaks when it rains? Well, the leaky ceiling turned into a leaky wall and eventually into a damp mess. I lifted up all the plastic I had laid down today (to semi protect the carpet from getting soaked) and when I did, low and behold the great and lovely mold that I hear so much about that tend to kill people, make them sick or perhaps even turn them blind. At first I was pretty disgusted with the nastiness of what it looked like, kind of pancake like, and seriously, about the size of those tiny pancakes I got as a kid at Perkins.
So, with all that said, if I end up passing out someday in front of you, make sure when they take me to the Hospital tell Dr. House that I’ve been living in an apartment room that has been moldy. I’m not sure something like mold can be taken care of overnight either. If it’s showing on the outside of the wall, what’s going on inside the wall and the ceiling?

Any Moron Can...

2009-02-24T02:01:00.001-08:00

take a picture.

write a story.

be creative.

maybe it's just the moron that decides to do such.

i think i may have a moronic nature.

why?

i want to write stories, stories i have no business writing.

if you know me well enough you've experienced my daily struggle of not being able to entertain with my stories. i have plenty.

you've most likely been on the recieving end of a long winded, never ending story that has no direction or point.

the struggle? slowing my mind down enough to simply articulate an idea and complete a structured, thought out narrative.

if i could only write.

i mess around with photos instead. i know how to mess with photos some.

but.

any moron can take a picture.

I'm not "Dad" material

2009-02-14T01:23:00.000-08:00

Yeah. I don't know why I'm even mentioning "dad" type things, but, at the moment, I know I'm not Dad material. I'm not even relationship material. I'm simply my material. My material is made up of all things me. All things "me" mean all things I can handle, all things I have a tolerance for. I have a high tolerance for all things dirty and leaky...like my ceiling. I'm okay with a leaky ceiling in my bedroom, considering the fact that I pay a good weekend out for rent. I'm cool if I don't have furniture of my own, or cutlery for that matter. I have a few pair of converse, a pair of Sperry topsiders and a decent collection of Lucky jeans.

I have an idea, and an idea is enough for me. Of course, my idea needs a pinch of experience, equipment and money, but who's really counting? I've been done living my life for my parents a hell of a long time ago, I figure if I become successful in anyones eyes, they'll be proud that I've done anything.

I'm my own worst enemy in my own world; so I cheated and read the last chapter where I ignore the worst enemy and started to do stuff regardless of equipment, experience and money. There isn't a sequel cause I've stopped the horrible questioning and insecurities that happen in the original.

Like I said, I'm all things me; I'm on this journey by myself and I'm not letting anyone distract me with reponsibility or expectations that are destructive to what I want, or where I believe I'm being called to be.

Selfish? Hm...not really, I'd say more responsible than I've ever been.

that's it.

On the Road

2009-01-14T02:27:00.000-08:00

there are few times i'm able to leave my life and engage in things that are half fantasy and half reality, a kind of reflection on what has been and where it can lead. tonight, i reflected upon a book that impacted my life early in my twenties. i'm beginning to see things that have structured my current existance and am not surprised where I see myself in years past and years to come. "On the Road" was the one book that continued to haunt my mind this evening as I sipped a 1664 French biere. i think of the many adventures i've been apart of and wonder if i'll ever be able to tell my children (if i ever have children) of my travels, fights in Croatia, the night spent under a tree behind the motel in Wyoming next to my motorcycle as the rain fell, my Long Beach vacation with two loyal friends, and the night in jail where I learned the lesson of king david.

our lives are filled with the present stresses of our time, and rarely do we ever have the chance to reflect, share and reveal the things that have impacted our lives. perhaps these are the things that are to be revealed around the dinner table to our children; God knows the lives of my own family have been repressed through the decades. we never chit chat about what dad did when he was at georgetown university, or what mom went through in nursing school.

we seem to detatch ourselves from our past and eventually, we forget what we did and how that impacted our future. there was one moment i remember, many years ago before i entered my first year at biola, my dad and i had dinner at perkins in richfield minnesota. it was winter and the snow fell on the other side of the glass, just a few inches from our booth table. i can't remember if it was of my prompting or if it was simply my father trying to connect with his first born son, but, what i do remember was him tell me a story of a time when one of his buddies got so drunk mid winter, he passed out on the edge of the street in the snow and they had to lift him into the car and take him home, all along knowing they were going to get in trouble.

these are the stories we are not supposed to tell our children, yet, i want this to be exactly what my children know of me. i want them to know who their father is, i want them to know i know who i am and why i am.

we continue to forget ourselves everyday, we continue to forget what we've done everyday and eventually, we become a product of what we are trying to become. it's so sad, but that's what we end up doing isn't it?

What I would do with The Rio Bravo

2009-01-06T01:15:00.000-08:00

A list. Not to be confused with A-list

2008-12-16T21:17:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those nights where I really want to post something, but I can't gather my thoughts to produce anything worth while; so i suppose I'll just list things.

- Great time in Long Beach with friends

- Sunday night BBQ in Los Feliz

- Monday night Football and Donavan McNabb kicked me out of the playoffs a little too early

- Rain is leaking into my bedroom

- Hoegaarden tastes yummy

- Trader Joe's Sheapard's Pie is tasty

- Enjoy not having a cell phone

- I'm scruffy like a hobo

- Coffee and ESV readings continue

- I wear a hat (thanks KCS)

- Women are funny, they just crack me up

- Yesterdays pen pals are todays chat friends

- Dead baby Opossum in sisters pool

- SNL digital shorts

- French Vogue isn't pornography

well this is kind of fun

2008-12-10T04:23:00.000-08:00

you can find my name at the bottom...nice huh?

http://oceandrive.com/hybrid/archives/2008_10/cover/index.html

Yay! Christmas

2008-12-10T03:41:00.000-08:00

Three beers in and I've decided to welcome in the sounds of a faithful friend, and as Ryan Adams muses me while sleepy and on my way to bed, I dream about the days to come, the friends who are and friends to come. Who am I to question what may be in my path and who am I to decide what is right and what is wrong? My mind races as I try to rest, as I try to find some hope in this place, this place of waiting. How low can one go before everything changes, before a shift happens, when nothing changes yet all things change? Going forward in confidence while all things, no, everything is out of my control...how do I go forward? There is nothing left in me where pride might feast, though self boasting may creep, it shall not build its home, for I am desolate and without a ground which to feed. You have brought me here and will do what you desire; I have no challenge, in fact, I give you all you need to take comfort. Take this desert and do what you will with it.

It's fall

2008-12-02T21:51:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning to an overcast sky and the desire to walk through this friendly neighborhood of mine. I ventured easterly on Addison intending to bypass the busy Riverside boulevard lined with boring apartments and tiny shops which the populous ignore. Addison proved to be more than a simple detour from the usual road to be traveled; it is a street without walkway, lined with towering deciduous trees dressed in the finest of fall colors. In four blocks of silence, I find myself headed south toward the Starbucks; moments later, I'm in line with 13 other customers wondering why this had to be the Starbucks they chose. After a few Christmas songs over the PA and the rare star sighting, I was stirring my vente drip with whatever's in those pink packets. I sat, I sat in the big brown leather chair and listened to Tobacco while reading Bible verses. I departed the strip mall half passed the hour and ventured from whence I came. The sun eventually poked through my fall hour and dreams of the mid-west ceased.

2008-11-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

My ceiling leaks water when it rains, I'm just thankful it doens't rain much in LA. I was told this morning my rent will decrease 50% for the months of December and January because the landlord didn't fulfill the building inspectors repair requirements in time.

Since the loss of my phone in New York, I've been able to stay focused on what I'm doing in the present; no longer am I able to crackberry every few minutes to distract away the day.

The photographer I've worked with for the past 6 months is taking some time off until the New Year, so I've been focusing my attention on minimizing my options and praying that the doors which seem to be closing will in time lead to unlocked doors of opportunity.

I've been working a lot in Photoshop, just learning from trial and error, trying to find some kind of style. I've come to the harsh realization that my Canon Powershot isn't doing the job. Retouching, for instance, isn't going to happen, I'm just working with layers etc. My sister was in town a few weeks ago with her new Digital SLR...I miss having an SLR. Well, here are a few of my favorite photo creations of New York.

It's burning...

2008-11-15T23:14:00.000-08:00

Yeah...I saw the fire last night as I made my way home from hollywood.

It's gotten worse. Houses are burning. People I know are pretty close to the fires.

It's safe where I'm at, but, the power went out for about 45 min. this morning. The smell of dry ash for breakfast isn't what I dream of.

Day

2008-11-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

I got older.

I still don't have a phone.

I saw a pair of boots I want "I'd be much cooler if I had those boots"

Currently recovering from a cold I've had all month.

Should probably get going but really don't have any getting to go to today.

I have a cold

2008-11-02T15:24:00.000-08:00

Last weekend in New York, as I walked from 204th street to 207th street/Broadway to grab some cash and hail a car, it rained. I liked the rain, I thought it added to my North Manhattan experience for the evening. The grooms dinner was thirty minutes away but if I had been there instead of walking to grab cash and car, I would have been right on time, but I wasn't, I was thirty minutes away.
A week and a day has gone by and I find myself with a horrible cold. I don't think I've been sick in a few years. It rained last night, but I wasn't outside, I was inside at a birthday party for a friend in Long Beach. Apparently because I wasn't outside, the rain decided it would eventually find me or my stuff inside. I received an email last night from my roommate informing me of a leak in my ceiling. When I returned home this morning via Metro Rail system (which is actually pretty amazing if I'm heading to Long Beach/Hollywood/Los Feliz etc.), plastic was strewn all over my floor, bed and stuff in attempts to protect everything from the water and parts of ceiling falling everywhere.
Good news though, yesterday I got my first leather briefcase/computer bag for $5 at a yard sale which just happened to be next to KCS's yard sale.
Cheers!

I predict

2008-10-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

Just took care of my Fantasy Football teams for the weekend. I'm feeling pretty good about it, I'm currently in 1st and 2nd in my leagues...and I predict wins in both leagues this Sunday.

Brent's getting married on Sunday in New York City...I'll be there, I leave tomorrow...can't wait.

I'll get some tasty pictures up soon...NY seems to have that type of vibe.

Just some stuff I've worked on recently...really raw and messy...but I like.

2008-10-15T01:21:00.000-07:00

Brother-in-law Journalist

2008-10-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

My sister's husband Pete has been secretly writing a sports article on ESPN.com.
He goes by Gene Wojciechowski. Check him out at www.espn.com scroll down a bit...you'll find him in the middle of the page. He's there everyday...so you can't miss him. I've posted a picture of him below.

I guess when he was younger, Pete played a Doctor on the popular t.v. drama E.R.

And also a Fighter Pilot in Top Gun

2008-10-10T01:34:00.000-07:00

What is this constant wanting to have something happen? I swear, it's 1:30 in the am. and I'm still ready for something to take place at this hour. Sometimes I wish I were not the social person I am. I sit here, listening to music and want to go out. Out where? This is something that has plagued me since I learned how to ride a bike. I feel like I'm stuck here with nothing going on but my own thoughts and when left to my thoughts, they drive me insane.
For instance:
1. How am I going to get from under the thumb of a photographer and do my own work?
2. When are my nieces and nephews going to decided to tell their parents they want to be like uncle Billy? Yikes!
3. When is all this hard work going to pan out for me?
4. Will buying my own home ever happen?
5. Is it going to be LA or NYC?
6. In my own pursuit of artistic success, should I actually do other things (other than photography) that will stimulate my ideas? And how can I do that?
7. Do I really have to worry about corporate bail outs?
8. Will I ever be able to travel internationally again?
9. Did I choose the wrong major? Does that really matter now?
10. If I really try, could I do a photo doc on missionaries in Turkey and Austria...I mean...I would love to, but could I pay for it, and would it be worth it?

To be honest, I don't like where I live. I don't like the Valley. It's not fun. Fun is not my right however and I'll go through it day by day. All I know is this. Everyone has a surge, and when it happens, you better be ready for it. If you're not, it'll pass you by and you'll never know it happened.

That Guy

2008-10-09T16:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at Luigi Ortega in Pasadena waiting for the Dodger game to start. Hot wings are on the way along with a couple friends. The one thing that is annoying me...is that guy. I think we all know what guy I'm talking about. He's the one guy who probably comes here all the time by himself to take advantage of the half off Firestone beers on Thursdays. He's the guy who talks too loud to himself and asks stupid drunk questions to nobody in particular. I have a feeling he'll be here all night watching the game. He already gave me a few unsolicited suggestions as to what I should be eating...I really hope this doesn't continue throughout the evening.

Burn After Reading?

2008-10-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

I saw a wallet on a bench yesterday as I was walking from the coffee shop to my car. It was a thick brown leather wallet filled with credit cards and $50 cash. To say the thought of pocketing the cash and leaving the wallet didn't enter my mind would be a lie. So, here is my opportunity...be selfish or selfless. Now that I think about it, earlier that morning, I spent some time reviewing last Sunday's sermon which was pulled from Joshua 24: 14-18.
Verse 15 states "...And if it is undesirable (evil in your eyes ESV version) for you to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
It was all coming together for me on Sunday in this way; we all have to serve someone or something, and we WILL choose regardless if we believe we have to serve or not.
So, back to this opportunity. At that moment I had to choose to serve something regardless if I wanted to or not. Would I serve my own sinful nature, or allow God to work through that nature and allow me to serve him and ultimately glorify him with return of the wallet? I did the right thing and found the owner, he actually served my coffee that morning.
It astounds me the way God works. I cannot attribute this situation to simple coincidence. This was a real life application of the service we all have to choose regardless if we admit to it or not. And I know it goes deeper than just a wallet on a bench.

2008-09-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to take a break on my story for a bit.
I'm sitting at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in Studio City, escaping the oven which is my apartment. I keep checking my emails to see if a reply pops into my inbox with some information as to what the schedule for this week will be. It's been a long time since I've been on a shoot and a long time since I've talked with Kurt, so I'm kind of out of the loop at the moment.
I'm getting restless. I don't know when I'll actually have a steady flow of work or income. If the steady flow doesn't come from one source, I'll have to put myself out there with different people I guess.
Well, there are lots of other things going on right now that I would rather not have to deal with. I swear, my hair is going to start getting gray or I'm gonna die young simply because of the stress I've put myself through. Not just recent stress, but stress beginning the day I chose Biology as a major. Don't have much else to say...guess that's all for the moment.

Chapter 2

2008-09-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

Sept. 9th 9:30am Metro Transit en route to work ugh! Sherman Oaks-Echo Park:
Phone call at bus stop in downtown Burbank.
"Hey B, it's Kurt....just want to let you know, I'm leaving for France today and will be staying there until the Brad shoot...won't be able to bring you due to 'budget cuts'...". Apparently Wes A is directing the commercial for the Japanese phone co. and wants to take the stills too in order to do what he wants to do. Okay, bummer, now what? A little relief, I mean, I do have to get my DL, and I have to go to Court in OC to take care of the citations I mentioned before. Alright, cool, I'll just go to France some other time. Well, I’m here in Burbank already, I mean, it took me about an hour to get here; I might as well head over to Silver Lake and see if the Pool’s open on Locksley. I’m in luck and at 11 I have myself a little Pool party. I’m sick of running around town and I seriously need a break with a pal. A chat here, a chat there, lots of work, some cleanup and we’re out and off to a thrift store. For a moment life slowed down and I was able to relax, no runaround, no stress…thanks to the Pool party. After a dog at the Red Lion, and a few calls to some pals in NY I decided to venture out once again on the metro and see how long it’d take me to get home. It was dark by the time I made it up the entryway stairs. I hadn’t talked with C about the car problem yet, only briefly when she was falling asleep. So I call her.
Me: "...So, look, I had some car issues to deal with the other day, that’s why I didn’t call. Sorry I didn't call sooner, but it’s been kind of crazy lately. I understand if you've got a problem with it, it's just something I've got to deal with right now."
C: “…well, the important thing is you’re okay.”

Sept. 11th OC Court, Irvine CA 8:30am:
Sister drove me to Irvine, ain't she sweet? Here she is again.
We’re both sitting in the courtroom being briefed by a bailiff, who thinks he’s Steve Martin, on how to communicate with the Judge. I’m thumbing through papers, documents, proof of Insurance forms etc. wondering what I’m supposed to plea. Do I plead guilty or no contest…it’s the same thing isn’t it? Names are called, and I’m just another loser in the crowd, in the system. I haven’t been to court since 16 years old when I was fined for doing doughnuts in a church parking lot on New Year’s Eve. It turned out to be pretty painless actually. All fines exceeding $2K reduced to $300. Whew. Alright, now we’re off to the Culver City DMV to pass my written test and get my CA DL. Two hours pass as I study the manual once again when…*”now servicing A904 at counter 10”* is called. I walk with confidence to the counter and place my application, passport and charm at the mercy of the DMV clerk, praying all things are in order.
Clerk: “Looks good, good luck”
33 out of a possible 36 makes passing with a 92%. Sweet, so now all I have to do is cruise to the Auto Detectives in Van Nuys and slam down my CA DL on the counter and peace out to get my car. I called ahead, just to make sure we’d make it before they closed.
Detective: “if you don’t make it, it’s okay, the guys at the front desk can give you a release if we’re closed.”
Me: “are you sure, if I come right now, I can still get it released?”
Detective: “yes”
Me: “are you SURE?”
Detective: “yes”
So, me and sis head out to the valley during rush hour. Wilco’s Passenger Side echoes in my ear like an anthem as we traverse the Sepulveda Pass toward the Van Nuys Police Station…"I got a court date coming this June, I'll be driving soon..." I slam my CA DL on the front desk when I hear this.
Officer: "Sorry pal, Detectives went home, and we don't have you papers, come back tomorrow." Me: "but someone told me you would have my papers if they’ve closed"
Officer: "Sorry pal, come back tomorrow...next."

Chapter 1

2008-09-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

So I've had a few eventful weeks in a row this month. Amazingly enough, I've come out alive with minor scratches. This began as a single post, but I quickly realized it was turning into a novel...so, if you care to read, cool. It's mostly for my own sanity right now. It'll be in chapters now.

At first glance, September seemed to be a promising month...I mean, I had plans to visit Brad in France, hang out with Shannen, watch NFL on Sundays and see a 1 date friendship potentially turn into "dating". So, with a glimmer of optimism in the mind, we enter August. I had spent the later days of August in Chicago to be apart of this guys wedding and spend time with good friends. I returned to CA just in time for a series of photo shoots which I would describe as both "fashionable" and "celebritory". I was asked to consider a position as full time Studio Manager, which I've been considering and ultimately want. I met someone I liked...dated...had fun, went to Thai food, Bowled, Movie-d etc. y'know, the dating thing without being in a relationship? That was August.
What happens next is simply a look...no more...no less...I'm in the process of selling the story to a few screenwriters so some details are omitted. My sister says I could write a book about the first two weeks alone. And so we begin...

Sunday Sept 7th. First week of NFL:
I'm pumped cause I get to watch the Vikings lose (not a surprise). I'm enjoying my time at B.J.'s in Burbank sipping on a Stout and chewing on a Great White mini pizza while watching 5 games at one time. It's pretty amazing actually. 10AM-4:40PM pure NFL amazement. The afternoon games finish and I'm making my way home when car trouble comes my way and kept coming and eventually she clipped me two blocks from my apartment. Fast forward: Two hours later I'm car-less, key-less and...well...briefly homeless.

*The character which follows is loosely based on my before mentioned sister's dog Musky (who was lost and running scared on Venice Blvd. for a good 2-4 hours)*

Sept 8th:
and I'm running back and fourth from Sherman Oaks to Van Nuys, almost exclusively on foot (public trans is horrible). Off to "jailbreak" my car in Van Nuys.
Impound Clerk: "It looks like there's a 30 day hold, you're gonna have to get a signed release from the Police."
Me: "Um...why is there a 30 day hold?"
Impound Clerk: "Not sure pal, could be your out of state DL, just head over there and they'll tell ya what to do..."
Me: "Well, can I at least get my apartment keys?"
Clerk: "Sorry pal...not without a release...next."
So, I head over to the Van Nuys police department to discuss the situation with the Police, who actually turn out to be "Auto Detectives"? After a brief discussion with the Detectives, I was told my car was on a 30 hold because I had been driving with an out of state DL. Apparently California requires a residence of the state to have a valid CA drivers license in order to operate a motorized vehicle, who knew. I guess it makes sense but I'm starting to become a champion of Federal drivers licenses, or bar codes on the wrist, that makes more sense. So I head off to the DMV, on foot, about 4 miles. To my total lack of surprise, the DMV was packed already at 7AM. I speak with a clerk and tell them I need to apply for a CA DL.
Clerk: "...a passport or birth certificate..."
Me: "...but a valid out of state DL won't work?"
Clerk: "...sorry pal, just bring a passport of birth certificate and that should do...next."
So, I walk out of the Van Nuys DMV, look around with dismay as I try to piece together where I am, how I got here and where my apartment is. I find myself boarding a metro transit bus, paying the $1.25 fare and asking the driver where the heck he's...well, I'm headed. Without keys to my apartment, I stumble up the entryway stairs to the door. Apartment's locked! phone's dead, keys gone, nobody can hear me knocking and it's almost 10am, who would be home anyway? I'm stuck. Where to go? Of course, where does everyone go when all else seems lost and need communication? The mall. Apple Store, email Kurt
Me: "dude, have to deal with some DMV stuff today, hope that's cool. My phone's dead, otherwise I'd call...I'll be checking my email".
Kiosk, phone charger...excellent! Call roommate who was home the entire time I was running around...figures. I get myself back to the apartment and shower, shave, change clothes and tell a couple stories to my roommate E. With a glint in my eye and a skip in my step, I grab my passport and cruise back to the DMV via public transportation. An hour later, I'm strolling into the DMV in Van Nuys ready to slam my passport on the counter, fill out a CA DL application and finally curb stomp the teeth outta the written test. I'm a little nervous at this point, I mean, I've always had my MN DL. It's helped me get out of "sticky situations" many times in the past and I was sad to see it go. I grab an application, get a number (B073), and wait for it to be called. I wait for my number to be called...*"now servicing A074 at counter number 3"*. wait for my number to be called...*"now servicing F809 at counter number 14"*. And wait for my number to be called. An hour passes and I am now a genius in the studies of California traffic laws, I all but sprint to *"now servicing B073 at counter 20*" to hand over my application, passport and knowledge of the California roadways to the DMV clerk (and ultimately, the Governator of CA).
Clerk: "...just read this and sign both copies please."
Me: "...wait, what is this? Are these citations?"
Clerk: "...yup, and you can see there are a couple of them, one in 2005 and the other in June...see, right there."
Me: "...what!? 2005?! So this is going to keep me from taking the written test then?"
Clerk: "...that's right, sorry pal, just sign this and call the number at the top and they'll tell you what you need to do, okay?...*"now servicing B074 at counter number 20*".
After fighting my way through cross town traffic on metro bus 183 (I began to call them by name), I was once again at my apartment. The number I called happened to be for the OC courthouse in Irvine. The before mentioned tickets were understandable; I mean, once I looked at the dates that is. *flashback 2005* "I mean, it's not often an ex-girlfriend leaves her Silver Mustang available while she leaves you for an ex in Australia now is it? naw...go 95mph on the 5 passed the exit she used to live off, go ahead, it's a good idea."* That ticket was $650. The $1520 citation wasn't as dramatic, it was basically a routine stop for my right headlight being out. Apparently this time my MN DL didn't help. In fact, that was the reason it was so expensive. That and not having proof of insurance or registration in the car at the time. Believe me, in the 10 years I've lived in CA, I've been pulled over before and never got cited for those three things before. Which encouraged the laziness I suppose.
I received a late night phone call from C, the girl I had been taking to movies and dinner. She was worried something had happened, cause I didn't call her Sunday night like I had said I would.
C: "...I was just worried something happened and I couldn't sleep, I'm glad you're okay. I'll talk with you tomorrow okay? I'm sooo sleepy."
Me: "...yeah...I'm fine, thanks for the call, g'night."

Explore Los Angeles

2008-08-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

My Pops is in town this week, well, actually it's Monday, so he's in Big Bear until tomorrow. It's always an interesting task to plan activities which will entertain while the parents are in town (believe me, the task doesn't take much, it's not a stress, it's just...interesting). I think back to my teenage years when I used to vacation in California from Minnesota. It didn't take much to entertain me back then, I mean, I was visiting from Minnesota. I was happy to simply go to the beach and work on my tan, boogie board and eat tacos pescado (a dish unheard of in MN until recently).
I realized I really should go out an purchase a Fodors guide to Southern California in order to know what Los Angeles and surrounding areas have to offer, not only to my Pops, but to me. I find myself frequenting the same beaches, the same bars and the same restaurants religiously.
There was a time when I was "green" to Southern California and the simple adventure of experiencing new things in a different way was all I needed to be satisfied or entertained.
On Saturday we (JoAnne, Pops and I) walked around Chinatown and had some amazing Chinaman's food. We browsed through the 5 t-shirts for $10 section in the crowded market (Dad fingered through the fake stones wondering if they were worth the $6) while dodging the hot summer LA sun. I suggested we walk over to Union Station via Olvera Street and check out the lost and forgotten Los Angeles (at least on my radar screen). I loved it. I loved Olvera Street so much I found myself saying things like "wow, isn't that cool?...look the architecture...I mean, we're right downtown!" I continued on this same tone as we walked into Union Station saying things like "that'd be sweet to live right here, you could take the train everywhere...well, I mean if the trains actually went anywhere I needed to go."
All in all...I had a great time, I forgot about some of the cool things I enjoyed while a young lad. I didn't take too many pics, but a Chinaman did at dinner.

Healthiness for Goodness

2008-06-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today was day one of my juice breakfast routine.
I'm juicing fresh vegetables and fruits before I do anything in the morning. Juicing is supposed to make me healthy.
Recipe for juice healthiness:
3 Celery Sticks
4 Carrots
2 Spinach Bunches
1 Apple
Stick it in the juicer and out comes orange/green goodness.
I made a smoothie too Strawberry/Banana & Rice Milk.

NBA Finals begin tomorrow!! Lakers vs. Kevin Garnett.
Don't know if I can wait another day.

Good Morning...No Shoot Today.

2008-05-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

I had a photo shoot to assist for today, but sadly, it was canceled...I figure it's a good thing, now I can take some time, bust out a load of e-mails and make some long overdue contacts. Idle hands make for idle results (is there such a thing as "idle results"?).
I'm sorry, my blog has been really boring me lately. I need to get back to the basics, write some things worth writing and reading. Oh! one other thing. I'm going to game 5 of the Western Conference Finals tomorrow to see Kobe put the smack down on Duncan...I hate the Spurs.

one day at a time

2008-05-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm done dog sitting, well, I was actually done dog sitting mid last week. I'm about to head to the mountains for the afternoon and can't wait for the motion sickness to set in. Sunday BBQ's rock.
I have phone calls to make. I need to update my peeps. I've determined it's not Mr. X but something a tad worse than I expected.
Have a nice day and come again.

Culver City Thoughts II

2008-05-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

So, I've been awake all night. It's early, yet I cannot find sleep. I've decided I'm a vampire. I'm not a blood sucking type, I'm just the type that lives their life in the evening. I feel for those who have children and must attend to them during the humanly hours of sleep...I do not have a child, but if I had a child, I don't think I could deal with the crying and attention needed to force them into slumber, for I am one who cannot force myself to slumber. I've never had this issue. Sleep has never been a battle to fight.
There is more to this than the fact I don't have a regular schedule. I think it has to do with life decisions, conversations had or not had or conversation I cannot have. I replay, play or anticipate conversations in my head when it gets quiet at night, and that keeps me awake. I tell myself to count sheep or repeat something southing, but no go. So, I type, I type frustrated and tired, feeling there is no end to this. I've had this ailment off and on for a few months now, and I'm done with it. I thought once I moved into my new apartment, I would have some relief, I suppose there are those who feel the problems they face daily will be solved with little antidotes of sorts, perhaps a child to keep a marriage together or gum to help them stop smoking...me, the apartment and change of scenery. I had a friend the other day tell me to just take a walk, so I took the advice and walked my sisters dogs three time yesterday, yet, I still remained awake, not able to sleep. My life expectancy is depleting by the hour.
The puppies are taken care of, they're sleeping soundly, so maybe I'm doing something right, but, I need my sleep, I need rest. Is there a way to take a vacation from ones self for 5 hours that doesn't involved drugs? My mind races when night comes and is completely fine when the sun rises. Lord knows I'm in transition, but damn, it's tough to fall asleep.

Culver City Thoughts

2008-05-19T00:20:00.001-07:00

I've had a difficult time sleeping these days, so, I've found retreat in watching t.v. late into the evening. It struck me just tonight, right now as I finished viewing my third sports center re-run and switched to VH1...they were playing videos! Can you believe it?! I mean, every time I run through the channels, VH1 or MTV are playing some sort of "public awareness biography" of some sort. I just saw the new R.E.M video and was pleased to see some sort of artistic effort on the part of "main stream" bands displayed as they should, on t.v.
I don't know about you, but, I think we are seeing the decay of videos on t.v. MTV and VH1 found their niche in videos, but have become more of a cultural reflection on what they find pop/modern culture. No, wait, they are attempting to create pop/modern culture and pump it out all day every day. Videos. That's what I want to see. Bands who spend money to play on these damn stations. I don't need help in molding my "cultural opinion" I have Fox News for that.
I'm done with football players justifying their reasons for being on "Dancing with the Stars" and saying they would "rather be known as an actor than a football player". I wonder if O.J. Simpson were interviewed and asked "what would you like to be remembered for...your football career, or acting?" if he would have said "well, I'm planning on killing my wife and her friend later on and like to be remembered for being an un-convicted killer". Do you think ESPN would run that?
All I know is:
The Celtics advanced.
I gained 6.5 points in Fantasy Baseball today (#1 in points today) and finally know what I'm doing.
I missed a call from KCS and am planning on picking up $ tomorrow if that's cool.
My sister is LOVED by her puppies and I am the best Uncle they have!
I need some advice on buying shorts, considering the only pair I have are Abercrombie & Fitch Camo. Cargos.
Gas is outrageous.
Los Angeles is burning hot.
Stella Artois tastes tasty when it's chilly
I'm in a virtual slump and need to overcome it before it becomes reality.
I need to buy a computer, or steal one from a friend so I can be creative on my photo stuff.
Brandy and Whiskey don't taste good to me straight.
I like living in a clean environment and need to figure out how to make enough money in the next 10 years so I can do that.
I'm excited about starting...your choice...we'll see if you're right.

2008-05-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post this picture...I thought it was neato.

Bed, Island Green, Greenery

2008-05-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

So, I have a bed. I am no longer sleeping on an air mattress. I loved the air mattress, it was a kind friend, always keeping me in check when in out in the Orange County nightlife. It was reliable, large, comfortable and sufficiently mobile. In fact, tomorrow, I'm going to take my air mattress, place it in my car, and take it to Xanadu. I don't have to call on any favors to borrow a truck or rent a U-HaulTM. to move my mattress. I like my new bed. My new bed is about the same size as the air mattress, but more difficult to move if I ever wished to do so.

I'm decorating my bedroom, and can't wait to paint. I've got a color picked out: Kelsey Island Green, it's a really nice/light/subtle green...I'm still looking for the accent color, I'm looking for something that will help me sleep (I've been having trouble with that lately). I'm planning on making my own curtains too. If anyone has any tips on sewing let me know.

I've been eating a lot of vegetables lately and feel hungry. I've been buying and cooking Organic stuff, soups mostly. My sister says when your body begins to digest pure greenery, it has different reactions...I guess mine is hunger...hunger for steak, ground beef and pork. I'm just trying to add variety in my cooking and eating. Digestion time for Steak: 4-6 hours, digestion time for Veggies: 2-3 hours. I'm usually a 1-2 meal a day guy, if I wanna keep eating the greens, I'll have to eat more. Well, that's all. My last post was boring.

Window

2008-05-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

It's about time

2008-05-03T03:30:00.001-07:00

It's official. I'm moving to Los Angeles. I had an Easter encounter which lead to random friendships and connections galore. I'll be living in Xanadu...and yes...Xanadu, like the movie.
My journey continues with a new turning point, an epiphany of sorts. I know what I'm meant to do, and I'm going to pursue the hell out of it. Wish me luck, it'll be a long road, but one I actually want to travel. If I call you, answer the damn phone...I'm calling for a good reason.

Scout's Secret

2008-04-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

My roommates left me this weekend and headed to Puerto Rico, so, it's just me and Scout the rat. Scout and I have been spending some quality time today watching the NFL Draft and NBA Playoffs. I'm pretty sure Scout secretly loves watching sports and is equally as upset as I am that the Vikings didn't have a 1st. round draft pick this year. Scout told me to keep his devotion to the MN Vikings a secret from his parents. Scout also said he's more of an "upscale" type rat and he doesn't enjoy jam bands as much as pop songs. I suppose when rats rebel, they go all the way. I'm not saying anything to my roommates about this, they wouldn't believe me anyway.

The Commute to My Career

2008-04-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

I suppose college is a time when normal people decide what they want to do for the rest of their life and spend the rest of their life building upon that decision. I don't know if I'm normal yet. I have a degree in Biology, yet I spent a good amount of my later years in education exploring that which is not exactly Scientific. I don't believe I was ever drawn to Science naturally. The subject itself did intrigue me at one time, however, the desire to prove to myself I could be successful in completing such a demanding and challenging degree was something I did to legitimize my education, not out of love for the subject.

So, here I am, thinking about my next move, but hesitant to really dive into what I might enjoy. I feel deeply obligated to continue in a direction where I know I have built up my skills and experience. It seems to be the quickest commute; I know the streets, the routine and expected time of arrival. The commute is easy, but I'm not sure I want it.

I'm just wondering if people go through this all the time, or if it's just me. We move away from our passions far too long, eventually the commute to pursue our desire suddenly becomes too far to drive and the possibility of being late is increased.

I don't know...I'm just thinking

To Those Who Wouldn't Know If I Had Gone Missing...

2008-04-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

I'm fine. I'm not sleeping in my car or taking daily showers at the beach.
I've been to Big Bear about three times over the past two weeks helping my sister
with her new project (painting cabins).
Some pals in Long Beach have been gracious enough to let me take over their spare room while I nail down a place to live in Los Angeles (and if you're interested, there is a party tomorrow night to celebrate the 3.o birthday of kooter's wafer).
I'm still on the "search" and have re-focused my attention to Los Angeles County. As some of you know through my writings, I've loathed living in Orange County...it's a beautiful, comfortable, safe place...and perhaps I'll re-visit my options later in life, but for right now...I have no reason to remain there.
So there you go...
Here is an update for those who wouldn't know if I had gone missing...I'm fine.

Curb Side

2008-03-28T12:23:00.001-07:00

When was the last time you slept in your car?
I've heard stories of long drives, late evenings, snowy conditions and rest stops. My favorite "slept in my car" story involves a drive up to Washington state, or perhaps a quick stop in Vegas in a friends driveway. Needless to say...I haven't really taken the time to enjoy the rare event of sleeping in one's car until this past Friday/Saturday. I loved it sooo much, I decided to make another go at it on Wed./Thurs.
There is so much one can learn, if they just take the time and energy to get to know their car. For instance, I've learned the backseat of my car has a gynormous "hump" in the middle; this causes severe strain and sharp pains to the back. The purplish tint on the rear windows do provide sufficient shading from the glaring streetlights, as well as conceal from patrolling police and or thieves. On Wed./Thurs. I slept in my drivers seat...fully reclining, this was more like sleeping in an airplane...first class.
If I ever decide to sleep in my car again, I will choose the passenger side...and turn on the butt warmer.

Guess Who's Out of A Job...

2008-03-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

ME!!!
So...Now that I'm on the job search again...I thought it would be nice to take in some suggestions as to what you think would be a suitable placement for me.
If you could...please list 5 possibilities in ranking order 1-5 with 1 being first choice.

Kind of nice...the unemployment sessions with actual unemployment pay.

I love relationships...

2008-01-30T00:12:00.000-08:00

...so much because I am forced to learn more about myself. Not the myself I've wanted to be, or the me I've thought myself to be...but the myself I know I can be, and must be in order have that "perfect girl." I think we all know who I'm talking about ( it's not the "cook, clean, silent" type).
This is a tribute to the "perfect girl":

She's the one who tells you to stop smoking (and you actually listen...sorry mom)
She's the one who wants you to know what she's thinking and anticipate the next plan of action
She's the one who tells you to call when you get home (and you actually listen...again...sorry mom)
She's the one who offers to drive to LA to see your friends band
She's the one who watches NFL playoffs and knows you like that she's watching it with you
She's the one who likes it when you bring flowers, write tributes and say "I miss you"
She's the one who will patiently deal with your stupidity
She's the one who will order you a Guinness cause she knows it's your drink of choice
She's the one who will graciously point out the flaws, we all believe as single men, are not flaws at all
She's the one who will give options, but choose when you don't really care
She's the one who will play Texas hold 'em and kind of intimidate
She's the one who will cry on your shoulder when Harold Crick accepts his fate

But most importantly...She's the one who can see through the rebellious, prideful facade put on by the man who wanders this land looking for nothing else but the warm, sleepy love of the perfect girl who should never give him a second thought...and only by chance, the stars aligned, the clouds parted and she appeared when he was ready.

2008-01-29T00:31:00.000-08:00

So, I spent my weekend away...away from stress, away from rest, away from soberness, away from my lady, away from harsh realities...I spent my weekend away. "The Silver Lake Experience" as I like to call it, was an unexpected gift. 3am...with talk of women, wine, children and all the wonderment of life.

It is not often a man, such as myself, who spends every moment alone with thoughts of himself has a moment with thoughts not of himself. This weekend, I had a many a moment with thoughts of someone else, a someone else coughing and sickly; a someone else who should not be coughing and sickly by their lonesome. I decided to remedy that Sunday night. I cannot remember a time when I've said "hey, baby...how about we get some dinner, rent a couple romantic comedies and cuddle on the couch." yeah...romantic comedies...I was at that point. Movies of choice: Licensed to Marry and The Holiday. Whoa! Yes! Very very good...splendid I would say. It is amazing what a RC can do to settle a cough.

So now, I am back to my harsh realities. My dreams are not of bears in a mystical forest, they are of documents, reports, W2 forms, car registration, interviews, love, worry like water slipping through my fingers. I'm buying my time, and it is expensive. I have my friends, I have a someone else...I have desires, I have hope, I have ambition, I have lost a need for pride to be apparent.

I don't know why...

2008-01-21T14:54:00.000-08:00

...but I have this strange feeling I shouldn't be writing on my blog anymore.
I don't feel as comfortable as I used to.
There are a lot of cool things happening right now...and by cool I mean...not really that cool.
I would probably say...complicated. That's what it is...complicated.
It's the usual season when everything that could go wrong does go wrong. When it rains it pours.
When it pours, the thought of even writing about the pour could make things worse.

Love IT!!

2008-01-12T21:02:00.000-08:00

It's 1-02-2007

2008-01-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

And not really feeling it right now.

Spent lots of time doing lots of things this Holiday season.

1) Xmas Party #1 at lady's house with mixed nuts (friends) old and new. Drank some really good holiday punch...mmmm yummy. Didn't have a cigarette.
2) Xmas Party #2 at Pasadena with old friends...again, didn't have a cigarette, and this was the look on the faces of friends when they found out I don't smoke anymore.

3) Weekend in Selma with the lady
4) Xmas Eve with the Simms...drank some good wine out of cool wine glasses, ate some ham and played some games...it was fun and relaxing.
5) Whale watching on Dec. 29th and I found out how to use another funky feature on my camera this is what happened....Oh yeah...we saw some sea loins too!
Where was I? Oh yeah...
6) Lemon Soju + Hite beer + Coors Light = Kereoke of course!! Crica Dec. 30th
It doesn't end there folks...more to come. Happy New Year

2007-11-05T21:32:00.000-08:00

WOW, has this been a crazy month before November! So many things happening right now. I'm probably going to have to look for a place to live in the next two months, which could turn out to be a good thing. I'm turning 55 this Saturday and I'm still living life as though I were 22. If anybody is around in the LA/Long Beach area and want to celebrate, I'll probably be at Keith's place this Friday...I don't know if that's an open invite or not, but I'm sure there will be a response to all the craziness.

Choices

2007-10-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

Can you remember the very first time you had a drag of a cigarette? Mine was at a sleep over with my little league baseball team in a lower middle class neighborhood of St. Louis Park, MN. The host was the son of a single mother who smoked Marlbro Reds and drank cheap whiskey. We were a clan of nine boys all under the age of 12 without the proper supervision. We watched Aliens and crank called the whole city while searching the liquor cabinet for some unknown drink which was not the normal 2% milk I was used to. I remember one of my teammates pucking on the hardwood floor after taking a sip of some colorless liquid from a bottle with a red label. Then came the cigarettes. It was then I had to make a choice. It was late, and I knew if I called my mom I would no longer be seen as a leader on my team, if I called my mom, I would be in trouble. So, the cigarette came my way and I inhaled with an untrained breath. I coughed and coughed till I became red in the eyes. Everyone laughed as I passed the burning tobacco to the next sucker who already knew what fate awaited him. To this day, I believe it was the most horrible experience I went through as a child. I made a choice I knew was wrong, yet even at the age of 12, I went against everything I knew was right.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night about the choices we make as adults. His rhetorical question was "is it that life and situations become more complicated as we get older, or do we make life complicated by our choices?" Peer pressure becomes less obvious when we age. We know the decisions we make are our decisions, we are independent, logical and experienced.
The choice I made last night to go home after having this conversation with my friend instead of spending the night on the couch, was by far the best choice I've made in the last 4 weeks. Why? Because I actually took some time this morning to figure out what the hell was wrong with my iPod...I fixed it. It works now. I wish every choice would have the same outcome.
I'm still inhaling life with an untrained breath and coughing till my eyes turn red.

First Year Done...Today!

2007-10-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's official, in the record books, taken care of, been there done that...I've completed my one year of service to my current employer. This Corporate America thing didn't seem so difficult to navigate at first, and to be honest, it's nothing more than a large expanse to cross. I don't feel like I'm anywhere closer to the goals I had a year ago, the sales cycle here just takes too damn long. Highlights of my first year:

Promotion and transfer to CA from Mn in the first four months of service (with a promise of a substantial increase in pay) *yet to be determined*
Travel experience within the second month of relocating (Chicago, New York, Houston, Minnesota)
Company phone, personal computer, leather chair, paid time off
Given the responsibility of project manager for International accounts

I'm still lamenting the fact I live in Orange County and constantly re-evaluate my current state of existence, but it's something we all go through (minus the OC thing). I was told the other day by a sibling of mine, while I was expressing my intention or thoughts of moving to the East Coast, "y'know, you should probably be thinking about settling down somewhere." "Settling down", what a thought. I really wonder if that's in the cards for me anytime soon. I'm pretty sure I've decided to create a life around me which promotes an environment rich for movement. I have a "leave at a moments notice" mentality. A quote from The Saint (the movie) "a traveler in search of purity" comes to mind (minus the purity). Yet I see the domestication of my college friends, their children, their flatware, bath towels and see the future. It looks interesting and comfortable, but I know I still have some "single life" things to take care of before I create an environment rich for "settling down." I'll be frank though, I really don't think I'll ever create that environment until I see a reason to do such. Maybe when I start losing my hair I'll think about it.

I need to get creative

2007-10-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

My creativity itch hasn't been scratched in a long time. I used to print photographs, frame them etc. I used to invest many hours in the dark room listening to Beck's Midnight Vultures while solarising my black and whites. Projects. I once did an installation, a self portrait with cigarettes. The photo below really doesn't have a theme to it, it doesn't really speak to anything. Sure, I think it looks cool and it's pretty self absorbed, but, doesn't really say anything.
My Critique-
Backdrop: Reciept from a bar in Chicago
Mixed Photos: Billy, Brent, Buildings, Kissing
Text: eh, whatever...more dramatic than needed
Maybe it's saying something like, "yeah, I am pretty damn awesome, see how badass I can look?" or "I'm an alcoholic and I have nothing to invest in accept my self pity...but I have friends see? oh...and I look awesome"
Overall it's a cool looking photo, but there's nothing to it...it's like Pot Pie minus the Pie.
I need to get creative, if I don't, I'll just sit around looking at the wall wondering why I'm not creative anymore. Self pity isn't a theme either.

Is there any resolution?

2007-09-29T02:12:00.000-07:00

I am in so many places at so many times, I rarely live in a reality that is conducive to living a normal life. I was just on the east coast experiencing a life of community I rarely have here in Orange County. I see and experience the friendships that are there and that develop there in seconds.
I go to a bar here in Dana Point and see blonde haired bombshells pass out and smash their face in and be taken off in on a stretcher and think....hmmm...I guess this is the paradise I remember?
I come home, IM with a business contact in the U.K. who has genuinely become a 'mate' of mine and who offered up a flat in London for the spring if I want to take it.
I have a confusing friendship from far away, but so close to my heart, I have nothing else in me but to pursue.
Life is moving pretty damn fast...and I wish it would slow down just a tad so I could sit back, drink a beer in peace (carleen), and contemplate my current existence.
I have a goal. I have deadlines. If they are not met by my current position, I will happily withdraw from it and move to the East.
Community is there, hope is there. Right now, I have no community (granted the few a half hour or hour away from me).
But, at the same time, I do not want to continue this nomad state of living. I don't even have a real bed.
These are my thoughts at 2am in Southern California, Orange County.

2007-09-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

NYC Airport: Kennedy
It's pretty damn close to 7am right now, but when I look at my computer clock it says "pretty damn close to 4am". I'll be sitting here for another two hours before heading to Boston, before heading to Lenox where I will finalize my wedding tour.

I'm tired and not creative right now. I just thought I'd give y'all a heads up that I'm on the East Coast again and am looking forward to perhaps seeing friends I haven't seen in...oh...about a month or so.

where I'll be and when:
today-sat. morning: Lenox
sat.-tues. afternoon: NYC
Plans are tentative, however, a friend from Jersey will be with me Sat-Sunday. For those who are in NYC (billionaire), I'm down with hanging out any of these days and nights....my friend from Jersey is cool.

Talk Radio

2007-08-21T23:05:00.001-07:00

My ipod is going through a period of dysfunction and I haven't taken the time to give care to it's current issue. So, because music radio here in the LA, and surrounding areas, is horrible with their choice of playlists, I' have turned to listening to talk radio a bit in the recent weeks. Bill Handle in the morning on my way to work (also known as "my hobby I get paid to do"), John and Ken in the afternoon and finally John Ziggler in the evenings (as my commute to home lasts from afternoon to evening). Their conversations and opinions are not what I want to discuss at this moment (even thought they are intriguing and rudely interrupted by commercials every two minutes), I'll get into that later.

Tonight, I relaxed. Tonight, I enforced a plan of action, one that should be enforced by those who only enjoy two specific pass times. One, beer drinking and two, reading. I have found a new way of enjoying both in the public forum...let me explain. As I commute home from my hobby, I usually take the PCH (pacific coast highway) which in itself is a beautiful stretch of road. Along the way I pass at least 10 Starbucks coffee houses, every one packed to capacity with off hour laborers or Cougars wetting their whistles or satisfying their caffeine fix. I have tried many times to engage in that sort of "after hour" protocol, but have found no enjoyment, no release and no relaxation. What I found tonight, is exactly what I've been looking for...two or three words: EJ Malloy's. I drove from Irvine to Long Beach to sip on a few black and tans while reading my new book. A couple of patron's there were discussing the brilliance of my reading environment. It was then that I realized...who needs an effing coffee shop to sit back and read? Why are we limited to coffee shops as a place where we can plug in our computers, get onto WiFi and eventually engage ourselves in book reading? I suppose we're not. I had two black and tans while reading four chapters of my book and enjoyed both the beer drinking and book reading. I have to wonder...if Lewis and Tolkien were around today, would they agree that sitting back drinking a black and tan while reading or discussing ideas is a good idea? Personally, I think it's the best time if you're by yourself. Get off this coffee kick and get to a bar with a patio.

and listen to more talk radio.

Thoughts on The Kite Runner

2007-08-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

So, I've picked up reading again. I actually did it. It wasn't like jogging at all. It was like a warm breeze in the dead of a Minnesota winter.

The Kite Runner was given to me as a gift for being in a friends wedding. As the groom handed me the gift bag filled with three books he said, and I quote: "I know you like to read, so I figured I'd give you a few books that I've enjoyed this past year." Hmmm. Interesting. I was the best man in this wedding. The wedding was two weeks ago and I've already finished The Kite Runner.

To summarize:
1) Afghanistan history 2) Complete depravity of the hero throughout childhood and adult life
3) Realization of depravity within himself, and knowledge it's not limited to himself 4) Selfless acts can lead to self redemption (philosophical, I know, I don't want to get into it).

I enjoyed The Kite Runner. Some paragraphs made me stop and wipe away imaginary tears, tears that could have been there if I were more sensitive, but I'm not. It was more like the Dan reaction when something big happens...the "whoa, whoa!" (shoulders raise just a tad, head vigorously looking from side to side etc.) y'all know what I'm talking about. So...that's never a bad thing.

I've been on the move lately, traveling from bachelor party to bachelor party, wedding to wedding. I have to say, this is the busiest summer I've ever had! I still have three weddings to attend and lots of air miles to gain. I am realizing this may be the only way the majority of my friends find exposure to my world, and it's good in a sad kind of way. But, I will promise to those who read, every third post will be something incredible...believe me, it's in there. So, keep enjoying your own lives...book reviews, beers you've been drinking, music you think is the shit, babies you've been changing, wives you've been impregnating etc. I think we all want to take a look at what's next.

I am officially a Boston Celtics fan

2007-07-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

Sadly, Kevin Garnett was traded today to the Boston Celtics. I have never been a Timberwolves fan, I've never been a Kevin McHale fan either. Personally, I think KG deserves a championship team to play with and with Peirce and Allen on the same team...I give them a 99.9% chance of winning the NBA Championship. I began to like the Detroit Pistons, but those days are over. Celtics are the team of the future. Believe me.

as of yesterday...this guy is married

2007-07-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Weekend Update

2007-07-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

What an amazing Saturday. I cannot think of anything finer than the sun baked Malibu beach. I spent about 3 hours on the said beach allowing the sun to kiss my whole body at once. I interrupted the suns make out session a few times by jumping into the ocean to cool myself down a bit. Apparently the sun wasn't enough for a few persons around me, they thought they should make out and spite the sun's affection (people can be rude). Made the drive down the coast and headed easterly where movie stars are said to be, I haven't really seen any movie stars in Hollywood, accept for this one time, I saw this dude walking on Hollywood Blvd. in front of that Asian theater. Anyway, Cemetery Screenings was a blast, saw this movie while drinking beers and wines and munching on chips and hummuses. There were claps, shushes, ducks, and about 3,000 individuals sprawled out on the lawn inviting the moon to begin with it's less intense make out session. I smoked the tabbac, while others smoked some funky skunky smelling tabac that tickled my nose. Ended the evening with an overlook of downtowny LA. That was my magnificent Saturday.

Began the morning of Sunday with water and sauerkraut; don't know why the kraut was the winning food item for the morning, but it was. Cruised pool side at the sista's house and bbqed up sweet meats. Was in the mood to hang out with this dude, but he was out of towny which made me sad for about two seconds. "What am I going to do?" I asked myself; (I think it's important to be prepared for any situation and have a plan to execute at all times) so what did I do in spite of being without company? I executed my "always never bad idea and always in good form" plan of drinking beers, but not just any beers, really really good beers from Belgium and other European countries. Where does one do such a thing you might ask? Well, my fav. is the Lucky Baldwiny type place, so I went there. Alone. Called up this dude, and text this dude and this dude but no dice. So as the evening got underway, I sat on the patio amongst others, drinking a very very cold beer and called this dude. Talked with that dude over two beers and a few tabac sticks; we worked through the ins and outs of my awesomeness and how I was going to meet one of these tonight and just be rocking my "I'm a confident successful male who looks and dresses nicely, because that's how the ladies like it" vibe. How does one do that? I began by calling the one who birthed me. During the talkie talkie time, I noticed something/someone in my peripheral walking toward my bar, going to sit in said bar and drink beers on my patio and blow smoke in my air. Immediately my tabac smoked cooler, chair posture sleeker, phone call funnier. I was having the time of my life, but my heart was pumping way too fast, so, I slowly finished my tasty beer, took a final drag of my smoke and hung up the phone. I could've left right then, but I wasn't ready to leave, I was enjoying my time with my beers and my "I'm a confident successful male who looks and dresses nicely, because that's how the ladies like it" vibe; so I ordered another tasty tasty beer. That's when the before mentioned something/someone approached my table to say hi and give hugs. Yada yada yada yada...turns out my not girlfriend had pretty much a ton of this to say, so I simply kept my vibe, continued with the convo. and I executed my "always never a bad idea and always in good form" plan. After an hour of this, my not girlfriend finally left the bar so I could continue with my "I'm a confident successful male who looks and dresses nicely cause that's how the ladies like it" vibe and meet some females and get to the beer drinking and tabac smoking.
The Finale:
1 table
4 chairs
4 beers
1 Billy
3 not Billy's gender
1 more contact for my phone
fin...and fin

There are about 13 empty bottles on my table

2007-07-11T23:21:00.000-07:00

and I'm staying up late after a long and drawn out presentation.
update:
Bullfight in Mexico
Car broke down
Almost got fired
Still cold chillin like always

Fulfillment

2007-06-29T00:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is, but when I came home from work today and tapped into my illegal wireless access, I didn't feel like I could chill. I felt a little empty, like I had things to do. So I browsed the internet looking at prison photos of abu ghraib and wondering how cruel Americans can be...even though a supporter of what we did, I don't agree with that shit. Anyway, I had a beautiful conversation with a sweet heart from New Jersey and was suddenly content with my evening. I had a great day today. It looks as though I'll be the front man for my department to our recently contracted customers and work directly with them in their transition stage...before I go too far, I'll just note, it's a good placement for me and most people won't understand, and it's boring. Anyways, the conversation I had with NJ and my buddy Dan, really helped in my feeling of fulfillment tonight. Mind you, I feel this way just about every night, only I had some kind of relief. Thanks guys, have a good night.

Just Another Day

2007-06-26T19:49:00.000-07:00

So I don't know about you, but I was reading some of the top news stories and something really odd struck me. It's just really weird how such a nice happy family ends up dead. Kinda strange huh? I mean, that's what the neighbors were saying. It seems every mother or in this case father who ends up killing their children are mysteriously the nicest family in the neighborhood. I think these are the people you should really be looking out for. Everyday nice individuals who look like they have it all together. Seriously, it's usually the trashy, really messed up families who get the cops called on them, but they simply make more of them. I say we monitor the really nice happy families cause in this world we live, there is obviously something wrong with them.

I got a haircut yesterday

2007-06-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

and Loved it!

Here's some Work

2007-06-20T16:17:00.001-07:00

It's a beautiful day in LA

2007-06-18T18:31:00.001-07:00

I'm back in LA again. this time it only took me an hour to get to Pasadena. I don't understand the traffic schedules of this city. Perhaps one has to outsmart the roads.
I have a full hour to wait before the party starts tonight, so I decided I would get some coffee and kill some time. I'm at Starbucks right now...much better than Coffee Bean.

It would be a dream to work from home, then I could live anywhere I want.
My job is unique/specialized enough where it would make sense for me to work from home. I'm world wide...International...alone in my position...I am the only one who does what I do. I like that fact.

My job description: Network, make connections, promote, be cool, get on the inside, annoy the VP's. I like it...BUT...I could do this from home. emails and phone calls are my day. Meetings only happen once every two weeks. I could do this from Europe, Asia, Africa even. I think I might suggest I take networking trips to Europe and Australia. Perhaps I'll live there for two years. Maybe even Manhattan...maybe one year.

I've decided I like looking sharp. Wearing ties and suits. I need to acquire more ties and suits. Sky blue is a good color on me...really brings out my eyes.

I think Brown looks good on KCS
Hot Pink on Unit64
Tiger Orange on DMH
Khaki on Bushylick
Royal Blue on j
I wonder what color people will be wearing tonight...I'm curious...I have a half hour before I find out.

The Weekend

2007-06-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

I decided to change things up a bit. Instead of Starbucks, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. I think Starbucks is better.

The weekend update:
Dinner at Blair's in Sliver Lake was amazing! Best steak I've had in a long time.
Hookah Bar off sunset in Silverlake. Relaxing times with relaxing friend.
Breakfast at The Coffee Table in Eagle Rock. Eggs from Hell was spicy and delicious.
A few afternoon beers while watching Desparato.
Knocked Up at the Los Feliz Theatre with friends
Hollywood Hills party to top off the night.

Some would say my weekend was pretty eventful and exciting. To me, it's just another weekend in LA. I love LA. I love the Hollywood Hills and the thought of maybe one day being able to own a $3.6mil. home and lend it out to my friends when I'm gone for the weekends. I love the "stuff" to do, and choice of not doing the "stuff" and just staying in (in LA).

Laguna Niguel is a different story. Not much going on, not a whole lot of options, more families than trendy types. Not really exciting. The choice to stay in is not really a choice at all, it's inevitable. I spent 2hours and 15minutes on the 5fwy. last friday to have an incredible weekend with friends. I don't really mind the drive once I'm where I want to be. Some may disagree, but for right now, at this time in my life, LA is the shit.

Just noticing a trend

2007-06-15T11:34:00.001-07:00

I've been on the blogging tour for a little while now. I just got my laptop about a month ago and have tried to make up for lost time. Pretty much, if you look at a comment on any of my blog links, I'll have written something. BUT...and this is what I've been noticing...I kill comment strings, or I just catch them at the wrong times, because I tend to be the very last person to comment on every single post. I have a sister we like to make fun of because she kills joking strings, I wonder if this is just something that runs in the family?

A Brief Continuation

2007-06-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

De-constructing a belief with the intention to build it back up makes sense to me. If the questions being asked are asked with the honest intention to rebuild upon a stronger foundation, why not question? It would be naive of me not to question, or have questioned Christian foundations...who would I be if I haven't? But, the purpose of this breakdown, separation and search is to build a stronger foundation on what is knowable. There are certain mysteries of the Bible that are unknown, and cannot be certain. However, the character of God and the purpose of Jesus are crystal clear. No mystery. What saddens me, is the individual who's purpose in questioning is to deconstruct a faith they once lived, so they are not held accountable to their sin. Thus they build their own foundation on the unknown mysteries of the Bible and have disproved Biblical foundations altogether. Bits and pieces of Biblical principles will be their focus, along with bits and pieces of eastern principles etc.

Theology

2007-06-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

I've been in conversations lately which I would title, The Purpose of Jesus and Sin. The conversations are generally about sin, what is considered sin, how do we define sin etc., or Jesus' purpose, Jesus' example and the human element within the "why" Jesus at all. People are always claiming to be searching for answers when theological questions arise, but are they? I mean, I have questions about general information that I am not actively searching for answers to right now. For example: How do I make soup taste the way my mother made it? Why does Modest Mouse only have one song worth listening to on their newest album? Why does my car get horrible gas mileage? Among other questions I'm not searching for answers. Furthermore, I have made conclusions on some questions without even really searching for answers. For instance, my car's gas mileage...probably because it needs a tune up, that's my conclusion, I'm not going to search any longer for that answer, it may not be the right answer, but I've made it my answer.

I know these are gross analogies, but it makes sense in my mind. If I were really trying to find out how my mother makes soup taste the way it does, I'd most likely talk with my mom to answer that question. I would not consult Betty Crocker or go to soup conferences and trade shows, or listen to a speaker on soup or become apart of a cause to end horrible soup making. Nor would I look to those who have tasted my mom's soup (my sisters for example) and determine their way of making soup is so grossly embarrassing to how my mother makes soup, I'm not even going to associate with that kind of soup making, therefore driving me to decide that I must make the soup I think my mom intended it to be made and thus creating, in a way, my own soup.

Sometimes the answers to the questions we ask about Jesus, God and Sin are so clear, we really don't have to keep questioning. Like, did Jesus sin? For those who like questioning and not really looking for the answers, it's a great question to ponder; but honestly, if one believes in the God of the Bible, and understands the character of this God, than is that really a "good" question? If it is in Jesus' character to sin, than you must also believe it is in God's character to sin as well. Making a belief and trust in that God no more confident than the belief and trust in your neighbor. Or, you must not believe Jesus was God, thus not making you a Christian at all. And, if that question is sparked by the actions of those who grossly interpret and believe in this God of the Bible, and the "search" for the answer to the question is dictated by "God conferences", speakers, social causes etc. and not directed to the actual Creator Himself, then what are you really doing? To me, you are creating in essence, your own idea of God, and from there, creating a reality which does not have truth at all.

I believe it is easy for people to hide behind the search, creating a god that fits their needs and convictions, a god without reference, without boundries. Once their god is created there is freedom to live life according to their own will. Freeing them to live life motored by impulse rather than reverence and submission. Thus, people ask questions for the sake of asking questions, which triggers an existential collapse and results in a slow, anguished decay... leaving a shadow with no conviction, and tragically someone who is rendered irrelevant.

Anybody a "Way of the Gun" fan?

2007-06-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

haven't seen it in a while...

What other movies haven't I seen in a while?

Drop Dead Fred
Titanic
A River Runs Through It
Red Dawn
E.T.
American Graffiti
Schindler's List
Police Academy 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...etc.
Airplane
Rambo First Blood
Strange Brew
Fatal Attraction (actually, never seen it)
Terminator II
What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Fight Club
Se7en
Godfather I & II
Legends of the Fall
Top Gun

Am I missing any movies you haven't seen in a while, or did I name any you have seen lately?

Reading can be like Jogging

2007-06-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

In response to KCS's post "I miss reading...for me".

For some, jogging has a real purpose. They anticipate the push, the clarity, the pumping of the blood and burn of the muscle etc. For me, I find jogging to be a complete waste of my time. Although I believe jogging is good for me and will do wonders for me in the future, I just don't see any purpose to it other than: human= running. I understand people must jog to loose weight etc. but, I don't have to lose weight, I'm actually pretty thin. I do a lot of walking, especially when I'm traveling and taking pictures, but, I usually walk with a purpose. To jog simply to jog, blows my mind.
Which brings me to reading.
In the past, reading was something I did for a purpose, or something I had to do. By the age of 7 my dad tried to make me read A Tale of Two Cities. It was me, a lamp, a couch, the Tale, a pad of paper, a pencil and a dictionary (so I could look up words I didn't understand, write them down, and come up with other sentences to use the unknown word in). It felt like I was going on a 5 mile jog; just way too much for me.
Anyway, to tie this all together. I enjoy reading, I have for some time now. However, it took me many, many years to feel that way. Every time I picked up a new book, whether it be The Picture of Dorian Gray, On the Road or Choke, I had to convince myself I was actually doing something. I had to Convince myself that it was not a waste of time, but I was going to enjoy it. Even today, when I look at the book I've been reading for 6 months now...I cannot get myself to read it. I know I want to and should...it's a great book!But, I have a difficult time convincing myself "I'm doing something." I enjoy it though.

I hate jogging.

It's funny that watching ESPN/FOX/CNN/News/Discovery Channel/History Channel etc, or simply listening to music with a beer makes me "feel" like I'm doing "something". I think I'll go home tonight and...ahh hell, who am I kidding, I know I'm not going to read tonight!

Not much to say...

2007-05-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

That pictures can't explain

A few in NYC

2007-05-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

Travels Begin.....Tomorrow!!

2007-05-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I was setting my schedule for the month of May. I really couldn't believe I would be traveling to New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Houston and Boston all within days of each other. I think back one year ago and cringe at where I was:
1. Sleeping on an air mattress in the kitchen of a bachelor apt. in Redondo Beach.
2. Working with an individual who would like to attain greatness, but has no capacity for it.
3. Ignoring and denying bills and debts as if the responsibility would just melt away like butter on hot toast.
4. Finally; Repeating the same daily routine with the belief "this would get me where I was best suited to be."
Now don't get me wrong, there are many things that have not yet changed, but a mentality for change was created in a very very short period of time.
1. I still sleep on an air mattress, but in my own room with my own bathroom. Air mattress to be gone once I'm done traveling.
2. I work with individuals who would like to attain greatness, but actually have the capacity to do such, and desire to pass that on to individuals like myself.
3. I haven't resolved my "parking ticket issues" but that might take some time for me to justify, but I have a different mindset and philosophy regarding responsibility with money and where it all goes.
4. I'm grasping the idea that I am best suited where I was meant to be, around successful individuals who see and desire to see the potential I possess come full circle. Where I can be at my essence PRODUCTIVE and INVALUABLE.

I was listening to Erwin McManus this morning on the way to work,(a ritual I assure you will become daily) and he was talking about the moments in our lives where we just don't get why God has placed us in the situation we are in. We look around and see everyone else getting away with murder, but WE know if WE even attempt to do ANYTHING WE know isn't exactly right, WE will be punished, or disciplined. WE hate that idea, at least I do. So, I wrestle with God, I actively rebel against what I know to be right, I indulge in the Solomon pleasures of life which all do become meaningless in the end. Listening to this, I couldn't help but reflect on all that I have experienced in this year. Rebelling, indulging, ignoring, running, denying, fighting, asking and finally...reflecting. The sweet silent whisper of God which came to Elija was with me in MN. In the sleepless nights, physically weak and worn, there was a whisper saying "don't quit, you are intended for great things". I know God disciplines those he loves, and I can assure you, I've questioned many times whether or not I even love God myself. I know he is actively guiding my life, but many times not in the way I would like, and as a child I scream and yell because I don't get my way, and as a child...question whether or not that discipline is worth loving those who discipline.

And now, in the stillness of this night, here in Laguna Niguel, I reflect once again upon those events of the year past and wonder, where would I have ever been able to go, do or become without the violent discipline and quiet whisper of God teaching me and guiding me through events of my own life?

Tomorrow I leave for New York City and cannot believe the very desire, so often shadowed by the desire to find true intimacy, is now a reality. I will be traveling for business, for pleasure, for photography, for experience, for friends...for it is God's will I do such, without asking, without my control and without my own immediate desire...I travel. Thus, this is truly the beginning of "A look at what's next".

Dare I wander?

2007-05-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

This afternoon:
Fodorstravel.com, yep, that's my new favorite website for this month. I've been trying to determine if it would be wise to stay up all night in Manhattan on Friday, wandering the streets til dawn. My sister doesn't think it's a smart idea, I'm beginning to agree with her. There was once a time when I wandered around Vienna til 4am, but I think those days are over, or they should be. I mean how much do you think it would cost to get a hotel room (nothing fancy) in downtown Manhattan? $180.00/night? I'll be spending a total of three nights in NYC and to commute from NJ everyday doesn't seem worth it either.

The Weekend

2007-04-30T16:34:00.000-07:00

Some Weekend Activities

2007-04-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

The Weekend

2007-04-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

The weekend is coming to an end, and I've been busy. Party, party, party.
Need time for sleep. Need time to relax and read. I think my mind moves too fast to settle down and focus on what I want to do. I'm always longing to be hanging out and spending time with my pals. Read. I need to read. I'm feeling a pull somewhere inside, a desire to do something other than read. Good books sit on my shelf and stare at me. I find value in schedules, I might as well schedule "book time" with no music, no beer, no distractions...just a good solid book.
Books that are sitting on my shelf:
"The Bible"
"The virtue of shelfishness"
"Atlas Shrugged"
"The Art of Shaving"
...others too...
Bible could be a good one to pick up every now and then...and by "now and then" I mean every morning. Got some ideas about how to find time to read?

This Stays Between You and Me

2007-04-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

I trust you, I know you won't say anything unless I tell you it's okay. I know this is kind of a surprise n' all...I'm sure you weren't expecting me to say this, but, I hope you understand. Actually, I know you understand, I mean, you've done this a thousand times and really...I wonder if you've ever second guessed yourself. I guess it could all get really interesting in the end, but I don't think I'm gonna stick around long enough to see what becomes of all this. We'll see...
...I'm heading out. Catch me on the PCH sometime.

The Opposite of Bad

2007-04-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

building something from the ground up is never an easy task. building something from the ground up with a rough idea of what you want it to look like in the end doesn't get any easier. right now I am working with 5 people to build, design, establish a department. we know what it's going to look like in the end, but the process in getting it there is educational.

I work for a major software company and am assisting in the launch of a semi-new service we will be providing our customers. the detail involved is overwhelming, and at times frustrating. I really can't speak too much about it, I've only been in this position 5 days now. what I do know for a fact, is I will be travelling a ton. probably will head to Europe and Mexico too.

when I was "home", without a job, no money and no car, I almost didn't take this opportunity. I think I was looking at doing banking or something, maybe loans? I don't know, it was all very unclear. while I was kicking and screaming, talking smack to God, asking questions of why, I was never given an answer as to "why". God never answers questions of why until you decide the why doesn't really matter anymore. it's probably that way as a parent, you can answer the question of why to your child, but it will never satisfy because there is always another why question immediately after you answer. I think at one point I was an annoying child throwing a "why" out there too many times, and I never even heard the answer. right now, I think I might be in the right place for that answer to fully develop.

I don't even think the answers in the end will even apply to a "why" question. maybe more of a "how" question.

Bedtime Stories

2007-03-28T07:37:00.001-07:00

At what point do we stop listening to bedtime stories?
I was at my sister's house on monday night and sat in on the nightly bedtime story. My 6 year old nephew was playing around with his teenage mutant ninja turtle toy from Mcdonald's and my 4 year old niece was pointing out the pictures in the book. Now, I've read bedtime stories to these two kids before, and I never noticed the way they pay attention to the actual story. I think I used to just drift off into space when a story was being read to me, it was more of an excuse to stay up late. My nephew is asking "what's this word?" and "how do you say this word?" and he's only asking about one or two words that don't make sense in the spelling to a 6 year old, the kind of words one cannot sound out...
...I guess I still like bedtime stories. I read before I go to bed most of the time, but I guess it would be nice to sit back and listen to a story being read every once in a while. Just a thought.

Back On

2007-03-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

It might just be me, but when things aren't going well, I like to hide from people. I don't return phone calls, I don't blog, I shut down a bit to certain people in my circle, I fall into a routine and include no one, I look at past writings and delete them.

When things go well, I pretty much talk about it all the time. What are the things in my life right now that are great? Take a guess.

##TITLE##

1970-01-01T15:59:00.000-08:00

##CONTENT##