Choices

Can you remember the very first time you had a drag of a cigarette? Mine was at a sleep over with my little league baseball team in a lower middle class neighborhood of St. Louis Park, MN. The host was the son of a single mother who smoked Marlbro Reds and drank cheap whiskey. We were a clan of nine boys all under the age of 12 without the proper supervision. We watched Aliens and crank called the whole city while searching the liquor cabinet for some unknown drink which was not the normal 2% milk I was used to. I remember one of my teammates pucking on the hardwood floor after taking a sip of some colorless liquid from a bottle with a red label. Then came the cigarettes. It was then I had to make a choice. It was late, and I knew if I called my mom I would no longer be seen as a leader on my team, if I called my mom, I would be in trouble. So, the cigarette came my way and I inhaled with an untrained breath. I coughed and coughed till I became red in the eyes. Everyone laughed as I passed the burning tobacco to the next sucker who already knew what fate awaited him. To this day, I believe it was the most horrible experience I went through as a child. I made a choice I knew was wrong, yet even at the age of 12, I went against everything I knew was right.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night about the choices we make as adults. His rhetorical question was "is it that life and situations become more complicated as we get older, or do we make life complicated by our choices?" Peer pressure becomes less obvious when we age. We know the decisions we make are our decisions, we are independent, logical and experienced.
The choice I made last night to go home after having this conversation with my friend instead of spending the night on the couch, was by far the best choice I've made in the last 4 weeks. Why? Because I actually took some time this morning to figure out what the hell was wrong with my iPod...I fixed it. It works now. I wish every choice would have the same outcome.
I'm still inhaling life with an untrained breath and coughing till my eyes turn red.

First Year Done...Today!

It's official, in the record books, taken care of, been there done that...I've completed my one year of service to my current employer. This Corporate America thing didn't seem so difficult to navigate at first, and to be honest, it's nothing more than a large expanse to cross. I don't feel like I'm anywhere closer to the goals I had a year ago, the sales cycle here just takes too damn long. Highlights of my first year:

• Promotion and transfer to CA from Mn in the first four months of service (with a promise of a substantial increase in pay) *yet to be determined*
  
• Travel experience within the second month of relocating (Chicago, New York, Houston, Minnesota)
• Company phone, personal computer, leather chair, paid time off
  
• Given the responsibility of project manager for International accounts

I'm still lamenting the fact I live in Orange County and constantly re-evaluate my current state of existence, but it's something we all go through (minus the OC thing). I was told the other day by a sibling of mine, while I was expressing my intention or thoughts of moving to the East Coast, "y'know, you should probably be thinking about settling down somewhere." "Settling down", what a thought. I really wonder if that's in the cards for me anytime soon. I'm pretty sure I've decided to create a life around me which promotes an environment rich for movement. I have a "leave at a moments notice" mentality. A quote from The Saint (the movie) "a traveler in search of purity" comes to mind (minus the purity). Yet I see the domestication of my college friends, their children, their flatware, bath towels and see the future. It looks interesting and comfortable, but I know I still have some "single life" things to take care of before I create an environment rich for "settling down." I'll be frank though, I really don't think I'll ever create that environment until I see a reason to do such. Maybe when I start losing my hair I'll think about it.

I need to get creative

My creativity itch hasn't been scratched in a long time. I used to print photographs, frame them etc. I used to invest many hours in the dark room listening to Beck's Midnight Vultures while solarising my black and whites. Projects. I once did an installation, a self portrait with cigarettes. The photo below really doesn't have a theme to it, it doesn't really speak to anything. Sure, I think it looks cool and it's pretty self absorbed, but, doesn't really say anything.
My Critique-
Backdrop: Reciept from a bar in Chicago
Mixed Photos: Billy, Brent, Buildings, Kissing
Text: eh, whatever...more dramatic than needed
Maybe it's saying something like, "yeah, I am pretty damn awesome, see how badass I can look?" or "I'm an alcoholic and I have nothing to invest in accept my self pity...but I have friends see? oh...and I look awesome"
Overall it's a cool looking photo, but there's nothing to it...it's like Pot Pie minus the Pie.
I need to get creative, if I don't, I'll just sit around looking at the wall wondering why I'm not creative anymore. Self pity isn't a theme either.

Is there any resolution?

I am in so many places at so many times, I rarely live in a reality that is conducive to living a normal life. I was just on the east coast experiencing a life of community I rarely have here in Orange County. I see and experience the friendships that are there and that develop there in seconds.
I go to a bar here in Dana Point and see blonde haired bombshells pass out and smash their face in and be taken off in on a stretcher and think....hmmm...I guess this is the paradise I remember?
I come home, IM with a business contact in the U.K. who has genuinely become a 'mate' of mine and who offered up a flat in London for the spring if I want to take it.
I have a confusing friendship from far away, but so close to my heart, I have nothing else in me but to pursue.
Life is moving pretty damn fast...and I wish it would slow down just a tad so I could sit back, drink a beer in peace (carleen), and contemplate my current existence.
I have a goal. I have deadlines. If they are not met by my current position, I will happily withdraw from it and move to the East.
Community is there, hope is there. Right now, I have no community (granted the few a half hour or hour away from me).
But, at the same time, I do not want to continue this nomad state of living. I don't even have a real bed.
These are my thoughts at 2am in Southern California, Orange County.

NYC Airport: Kennedy
It's pretty damn close to 7am right now, but when I look at my computer clock it says "pretty damn close to 4am". I'll be sitting here for another two hours before heading to Boston, before heading to Lenox where I will finalize my wedding tour.

I'm tired and not creative right now. I just thought I'd give y'all a heads up that I'm on the East Coast again and am looking forward to perhaps seeing friends I haven't seen in...oh...about a month or so.

where I'll be and when:
today-sat. morning: Lenox
sat.-tues. afternoon: NYC
Plans are tentative, however, a friend from Jersey will be with me Sat-Sunday. For those who are in NYC (billionaire), I'm down with hanging out any of these days and nights....my friend from Jersey is cool.

Talk Radio

My ipod is going through a period of dysfunction and I haven't taken the time to give care to it's current issue. So, because music radio here in the LA, and surrounding areas, is horrible with their choice of playlists, I' have turned to listening to talk radio a bit in the recent weeks. Bill Handle in the morning on my way to work (also known as "my hobby I get paid to do"), John and Ken in the afternoon and finally John Ziggler in the evenings (as my commute to home lasts from afternoon to evening). Their conversations and opinions are not what I want to discuss at this moment (even thought they are intriguing and rudely interrupted by commercials every two minutes), I'll get into that later.

Tonight, I relaxed. Tonight, I enforced a plan of action, one that should be enforced by those who only enjoy two specific pass times. One, beer drinking and two, reading. I have found a new way of enjoying both in the public forum...let me explain. As I commute home from my hobby, I usually take the PCH (pacific coast highway) which in itself is a beautiful stretch of road. Along the way I pass at least 10 Starbucks coffee houses, every one packed to capacity with off hour laborers or Cougars wetting their whistles or satisfying their caffeine fix. I have tried many times to engage in that sort of "after hour" protocol, but have found no enjoyment, no release and no relaxation. What I found tonight, is exactly what I've been looking for...two or three words: EJ Malloy's. I drove from Irvine to Long Beach to sip on a few black and tans while reading my new book. A couple of patron's there were discussing the brilliance of my reading environment. It was then that I realized...who needs an effing coffee shop to sit back and read? Why are we limited to coffee shops as a place where we can plug in our computers, get onto WiFi and eventually engage ourselves in book reading? I suppose we're not. I had two black and tans while reading four chapters of my book and enjoyed both the beer drinking and book reading. I have to wonder...if Lewis and Tolkien were around today, would they agree that sitting back drinking a black and tan while reading or discussing ideas is a good idea? Personally, I think it's the best time if you're by yourself. Get off this coffee kick and get to a bar with a patio.

and listen to more talk radio.

Thoughts on The Kite Runner

So, I've picked up reading again. I actually did it. It wasn't like jogging at all. It was like a warm breeze in the dead of a Minnesota winter.

The Kite Runner was given to me as a gift for being in a friends wedding. As the groom handed me the gift bag filled with three books he said, and I quote: "I know you like to read, so I figured I'd give you a few books that I've enjoyed this past year." Hmmm. Interesting. I was the best man in this wedding. The wedding was two weeks ago and I've already finished The Kite Runner.

To summarize:
1) Afghanistan history 2) Complete depravity of the hero throughout childhood and adult life
3) Realization of depravity within himself, and knowledge it's not limited to himself 4) Selfless acts can lead to self redemption (philosophical, I know, I don't want to get into it).

I enjoyed The Kite Runner. Some paragraphs made me stop and wipe away imaginary tears, tears that could have been there if I were more sensitive, but I'm not. It was more like the Dan reaction when something big happens...the "whoa, whoa!" (shoulders raise just a tad, head vigorously looking from side to side etc.) y'all know what I'm talking about. So...that's never a bad thing.

I've been on the move lately, traveling from bachelor party to bachelor party, wedding to wedding. I have to say, this is the busiest summer I've ever had! I still have three weddings to attend and lots of air miles to gain. I am realizing this may be the only way the majority of my friends find exposure to my world, and it's good in a sad kind of way. But, I will promise to those who read, every third post will be something incredible...believe me, it's in there. So, keep enjoying your own lives...book reviews, beers you've been drinking, music you think is the shit, babies you've been changing, wives you've been impregnating etc. I think we all want to take a look at what's next.