WOW, has this been a crazy month before November! So many things happening right now. I'm probably going to have to look for a place to live in the next two months, which could turn out to be a good thing. I'm turning 55 this Saturday and I'm still living life as though I were 22. If anybody is around in the LA/Long Beach area and want to celebrate, I'll probably be at Keith's place this Friday...I don't know if that's an open invite or not, but I'm sure there will be a response to all the craziness.

Choices

Can you remember the very first time you had a drag of a cigarette? Mine was at a sleep over with my little league baseball team in a lower middle class neighborhood of St. Louis Park, MN. The host was the son of a single mother who smoked Marlbro Reds and drank cheap whiskey. We were a clan of nine boys all under the age of 12 without the proper supervision. We watched Aliens and crank called the whole city while searching the liquor cabinet for some unknown drink which was not the normal 2% milk I was used to. I remember one of my teammates pucking on the hardwood floor after taking a sip of some colorless liquid from a bottle with a red label. Then came the cigarettes. It was then I had to make a choice. It was late, and I knew if I called my mom I would no longer be seen as a leader on my team, if I called my mom, I would be in trouble. So, the cigarette came my way and I inhaled with an untrained breath. I coughed and coughed till I became red in the eyes. Everyone laughed as I passed the burning tobacco to the next sucker who already knew what fate awaited him. To this day, I believe it was the most horrible experience I went through as a child. I made a choice I knew was wrong, yet even at the age of 12, I went against everything I knew was right.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night about the choices we make as adults. His rhetorical question was "is it that life and situations become more complicated as we get older, or do we make life complicated by our choices?" Peer pressure becomes less obvious when we age. We know the decisions we make are our decisions, we are independent, logical and experienced.
The choice I made last night to go home after having this conversation with my friend instead of spending the night on the couch, was by far the best choice I've made in the last 4 weeks. Why? Because I actually took some time this morning to figure out what the hell was wrong with my iPod...I fixed it. It works now. I wish every choice would have the same outcome.
I'm still inhaling life with an untrained breath and coughing till my eyes turn red.

First Year Done...Today!

It's official, in the record books, taken care of, been there done that...I've completed my one year of service to my current employer. This Corporate America thing didn't seem so difficult to navigate at first, and to be honest, it's nothing more than a large expanse to cross. I don't feel like I'm anywhere closer to the goals I had a year ago, the sales cycle here just takes too damn long. Highlights of my first year:

• Promotion and transfer to CA from Mn in the first four months of service (with a promise of a substantial increase in pay) *yet to be determined*
  
• Travel experience within the second month of relocating (Chicago, New York, Houston, Minnesota)
• Company phone, personal computer, leather chair, paid time off
  
• Given the responsibility of project manager for International accounts

I'm still lamenting the fact I live in Orange County and constantly re-evaluate my current state of existence, but it's something we all go through (minus the OC thing). I was told the other day by a sibling of mine, while I was expressing my intention or thoughts of moving to the East Coast, "y'know, you should probably be thinking about settling down somewhere." "Settling down", what a thought. I really wonder if that's in the cards for me anytime soon. I'm pretty sure I've decided to create a life around me which promotes an environment rich for movement. I have a "leave at a moments notice" mentality. A quote from The Saint (the movie) "a traveler in search of purity" comes to mind (minus the purity). Yet I see the domestication of my college friends, their children, their flatware, bath towels and see the future. It looks interesting and comfortable, but I know I still have some "single life" things to take care of before I create an environment rich for "settling down." I'll be frank though, I really don't think I'll ever create that environment until I see a reason to do such. Maybe when I start losing my hair I'll think about it.

I need to get creative

My creativity itch hasn't been scratched in a long time. I used to print photographs, frame them etc. I used to invest many hours in the dark room listening to Beck's Midnight Vultures while solarising my black and whites. Projects. I once did an installation, a self portrait with cigarettes. The photo below really doesn't have a theme to it, it doesn't really speak to anything. Sure, I think it looks cool and it's pretty self absorbed, but, doesn't really say anything.
My Critique-
Backdrop: Reciept from a bar in Chicago
Mixed Photos: Billy, Brent, Buildings, Kissing
Text: eh, whatever...more dramatic than needed
Maybe it's saying something like, "yeah, I am pretty damn awesome, see how badass I can look?" or "I'm an alcoholic and I have nothing to invest in accept my self pity...but I have friends see? oh...and I look awesome"
Overall it's a cool looking photo, but there's nothing to it...it's like Pot Pie minus the Pie.
I need to get creative, if I don't, I'll just sit around looking at the wall wondering why I'm not creative anymore. Self pity isn't a theme either.

Is there any resolution?

I am in so many places at so many times, I rarely live in a reality that is conducive to living a normal life. I was just on the east coast experiencing a life of community I rarely have here in Orange County. I see and experience the friendships that are there and that develop there in seconds.
I go to a bar here in Dana Point and see blonde haired bombshells pass out and smash their face in and be taken off in on a stretcher and think....hmmm...I guess this is the paradise I remember?
I come home, IM with a business contact in the U.K. who has genuinely become a 'mate' of mine and who offered up a flat in London for the spring if I want to take it.
I have a confusing friendship from far away, but so close to my heart, I have nothing else in me but to pursue.
Life is moving pretty damn fast...and I wish it would slow down just a tad so I could sit back, drink a beer in peace (carleen), and contemplate my current existence.
I have a goal. I have deadlines. If they are not met by my current position, I will happily withdraw from it and move to the East.
Community is there, hope is there. Right now, I have no community (granted the few a half hour or hour away from me).
But, at the same time, I do not want to continue this nomad state of living. I don't even have a real bed.
These are my thoughts at 2am in Southern California, Orange County.

NYC Airport: Kennedy
It's pretty damn close to 7am right now, but when I look at my computer clock it says "pretty damn close to 4am". I'll be sitting here for another two hours before heading to Boston, before heading to Lenox where I will finalize my wedding tour.

I'm tired and not creative right now. I just thought I'd give y'all a heads up that I'm on the East Coast again and am looking forward to perhaps seeing friends I haven't seen in...oh...about a month or so.

where I'll be and when:
today-sat. morning: Lenox
sat.-tues. afternoon: NYC
Plans are tentative, however, a friend from Jersey will be with me Sat-Sunday. For those who are in NYC (billionaire), I'm down with hanging out any of these days and nights....my friend from Jersey is cool.

Talk Radio

My ipod is going through a period of dysfunction and I haven't taken the time to give care to it's current issue. So, because music radio here in the LA, and surrounding areas, is horrible with their choice of playlists, I' have turned to listening to talk radio a bit in the recent weeks. Bill Handle in the morning on my way to work (also known as "my hobby I get paid to do"), John and Ken in the afternoon and finally John Ziggler in the evenings (as my commute to home lasts from afternoon to evening). Their conversations and opinions are not what I want to discuss at this moment (even thought they are intriguing and rudely interrupted by commercials every two minutes), I'll get into that later.

Tonight, I relaxed. Tonight, I enforced a plan of action, one that should be enforced by those who only enjoy two specific pass times. One, beer drinking and two, reading. I have found a new way of enjoying both in the public forum...let me explain. As I commute home from my hobby, I usually take the PCH (pacific coast highway) which in itself is a beautiful stretch of road. Along the way I pass at least 10 Starbucks coffee houses, every one packed to capacity with off hour laborers or Cougars wetting their whistles or satisfying their caffeine fix. I have tried many times to engage in that sort of "after hour" protocol, but have found no enjoyment, no release and no relaxation. What I found tonight, is exactly what I've been looking for...two or three words: EJ Malloy's. I drove from Irvine to Long Beach to sip on a few black and tans while reading my new book. A couple of patron's there were discussing the brilliance of my reading environment. It was then that I realized...who needs an effing coffee shop to sit back and read? Why are we limited to coffee shops as a place where we can plug in our computers, get onto WiFi and eventually engage ourselves in book reading? I suppose we're not. I had two black and tans while reading four chapters of my book and enjoyed both the beer drinking and book reading. I have to wonder...if Lewis and Tolkien were around today, would they agree that sitting back drinking a black and tan while reading or discussing ideas is a good idea? Personally, I think it's the best time if you're by yourself. Get off this coffee kick and get to a bar with a patio.

and listen to more talk radio.

Thoughts on The Kite Runner

So, I've picked up reading again. I actually did it. It wasn't like jogging at all. It was like a warm breeze in the dead of a Minnesota winter.

The Kite Runner was given to me as a gift for being in a friends wedding. As the groom handed me the gift bag filled with three books he said, and I quote: "I know you like to read, so I figured I'd give you a few books that I've enjoyed this past year." Hmmm. Interesting. I was the best man in this wedding. The wedding was two weeks ago and I've already finished The Kite Runner.

To summarize:
1) Afghanistan history 2) Complete depravity of the hero throughout childhood and adult life
3) Realization of depravity within himself, and knowledge it's not limited to himself 4) Selfless acts can lead to self redemption (philosophical, I know, I don't want to get into it).

I enjoyed The Kite Runner. Some paragraphs made me stop and wipe away imaginary tears, tears that could have been there if I were more sensitive, but I'm not. It was more like the Dan reaction when something big happens...the "whoa, whoa!" (shoulders raise just a tad, head vigorously looking from side to side etc.) y'all know what I'm talking about. So...that's never a bad thing.

I've been on the move lately, traveling from bachelor party to bachelor party, wedding to wedding. I have to say, this is the busiest summer I've ever had! I still have three weddings to attend and lots of air miles to gain. I am realizing this may be the only way the majority of my friends find exposure to my world, and it's good in a sad kind of way. But, I will promise to those who read, every third post will be something incredible...believe me, it's in there. So, keep enjoying your own lives...book reviews, beers you've been drinking, music you think is the shit, babies you've been changing, wives you've been impregnating etc. I think we all want to take a look at what's next.

I am officially a Boston Celtics fan

Sadly, Kevin Garnett was traded today to the Boston Celtics. I have never been a Timberwolves fan, I've never been a Kevin McHale fan either. Personally, I think KG deserves a championship team to play with and with Peirce and Allen on the same team...I give them a 99.9% chance of winning the NBA Championship. I began to like the Detroit Pistons, but those days are over. Celtics are the team of the future. Believe me.

as of yesterday...this guy is married

Weekend Update

What an amazing Saturday. I cannot think of anything finer than the sun baked Malibu beach. I spent about 3 hours on the said beach allowing the sun to kiss my whole body at once. I interrupted the suns make out session a few times by jumping into the ocean to cool myself down a bit. Apparently the sun wasn't enough for a few persons around me, they thought they should make out and spite the sun's affection (people can be rude). Made the drive down the coast and headed easterly where movie stars are said to be, I haven't really seen any movie stars in Hollywood, accept for this one time, I saw this dude walking on Hollywood Blvd. in front of that Asian theater. Anyway, Cemetery Screenings was a blast, saw this movie while drinking beers and wines and munching on chips and hummuses. There were claps, shushes, ducks, and about 3,000 individuals sprawled out on the lawn inviting the moon to begin with it's less intense make out session. I smoked the tabbac, while others smoked some funky skunky smelling tabac that tickled my nose. Ended the evening with an overlook of downtowny LA. That was my magnificent Saturday.

Began the morning of Sunday with water and sauerkraut; don't know why the kraut was the winning food item for the morning, but it was. Cruised pool side at the sista's house and bbqed up sweet meats. Was in the mood to hang out with this dude, but he was out of towny which made me sad for about two seconds. "What am I going to do?" I asked myself; (I think it's important to be prepared for any situation and have a plan to execute at all times) so what did I do in spite of being without company? I executed my "always never bad idea and always in good form" plan of drinking beers, but not just any beers, really really good beers from Belgium and other European countries. Where does one do such a thing you might ask? Well, my fav. is the Lucky Baldwiny type place, so I went there. Alone. Called up this dude, and text this dude and this dude but no dice. So as the evening got underway, I sat on the patio amongst others, drinking a very very cold beer and called this dude. Talked with that dude over two beers and a few tabac sticks; we worked through the ins and outs of my awesomeness and how I was going to meet one of these tonight and just be rocking my "I'm a confident successful male who looks and dresses nicely, because that's how the ladies like it" vibe. How does one do that? I began by calling the one who birthed me. During the talkie talkie time, I noticed something/someone in my peripheral walking toward my bar, going to sit in said bar and drink beers on my patio and blow smoke in my air. Immediately my tabac smoked cooler, chair posture sleeker, phone call funnier. I was having the time of my life, but my heart was pumping way too fast, so, I slowly finished my tasty beer, took a final drag of my smoke and hung up the phone. I could've left right then, but I wasn't ready to leave, I was enjoying my time with my beers and my "I'm a confident successful male who looks and dresses nicely, because that's how the ladies like it" vibe; so I ordered another tasty tasty beer. That's when the before mentioned something/someone approached my table to say hi and give hugs. Yada yada yada yada...turns out my not girlfriend had pretty much a ton of this to say, so I simply kept my vibe, continued with the convo. and I executed my "always never a bad idea and always in good form" plan. After an hour of this, my not girlfriend finally left the bar so I could continue with my "I'm a confident successful male who looks and dresses nicely cause that's how the ladies like it" vibe and meet some females and get to the beer drinking and tabac smoking.
The Finale:
1 table
4 chairs
4 beers
1 Billy
3 not Billy's gender
1 more contact for my phone
fin...and fin

There are about 13 empty bottles on my table

and I'm staying up late after a long and drawn out presentation.
update:
Bullfight in Mexico
Car broke down
Almost got fired
Still cold chillin like always

Fulfillment

I don't know what it is, but when I came home from work today and tapped into my illegal wireless access, I didn't feel like I could chill. I felt a little empty, like I had things to do. So I browsed the internet looking at prison photos of abu ghraib and wondering how cruel Americans can be...even though a supporter of what we did, I don't agree with that shit. Anyway, I had a beautiful conversation with a sweet heart from New Jersey and was suddenly content with my evening. I had a great day today. It looks as though I'll be the front man for my department to our recently contracted customers and work directly with them in their transition stage...before I go too far, I'll just note, it's a good placement for me and most people won't understand, and it's boring. Anyways, the conversation I had with NJ and my buddy Dan, really helped in my feeling of fulfillment tonight. Mind you, I feel this way just about every night, only I had some kind of relief. Thanks guys, have a good night.

Just Another Day

So I don't know about you, but I was reading some of the top news stories and something really odd struck me. It's just really weird how such a nice happy family ends up dead. Kinda strange huh? I mean, that's what the neighbors were saying. It seems every mother or in this case father who ends up killing their children are mysteriously the nicest family in the neighborhood. I think these are the people you should really be looking out for. Everyday nice individuals who look like they have it all together. Seriously, it's usually the trashy, really messed up families who get the cops called on them, but they simply make more of them. I say we monitor the really nice happy families cause in this world we live, there is obviously something wrong with them.

I got a haircut yesterday

and Loved it!

Here's some Work

It's a beautiful day in LA

I'm back in LA again. this time it only took me an hour to get to Pasadena. I don't understand the traffic schedules of this city. Perhaps one has to outsmart the roads.
I have a full hour to wait before the party starts tonight, so I decided I would get some coffee and kill some time. I'm at Starbucks right now...much better than Coffee Bean.

It would be a dream to work from home, then I could live anywhere I want.
My job is unique/specialized enough where it would make sense for me to work from home. I'm world wide...International...alone in my position...I am the only one who does what I do. I like that fact.

My job description: Network, make connections, promote, be cool, get on the inside, annoy the VP's. I like it...BUT...I could do this from home. emails and phone calls are my day. Meetings only happen once every two weeks. I could do this from Europe, Asia, Africa even. I think I might suggest I take networking trips to Europe and Australia. Perhaps I'll live there for two years. Maybe even Manhattan...maybe one year.

I've decided I like looking sharp. Wearing ties and suits. I need to acquire more ties and suits. Sky blue is a good color on me...really brings out my eyes.

I think Brown looks good on KCS
Hot Pink on Unit64
Tiger Orange on DMH
Khaki on Bushylick
Royal Blue on j
I wonder what color people will be wearing tonight...I'm curious...I have a half hour before I find out.

The Weekend

I decided to change things up a bit. Instead of Starbucks, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. I think Starbucks is better.

The weekend update:
Dinner at Blair's in Sliver Lake was amazing! Best steak I've had in a long time.
Hookah Bar off sunset in Silverlake. Relaxing times with relaxing friend.
Breakfast at The Coffee Table in Eagle Rock. Eggs from Hell was spicy and delicious.
A few afternoon beers while watching Desparato.
Knocked Up at the Los Feliz Theatre with friends
Hollywood Hills party to top off the night.

Some would say my weekend was pretty eventful and exciting. To me, it's just another weekend in LA. I love LA. I love the Hollywood Hills and the thought of maybe one day being able to own a $3.6mil. home and lend it out to my friends when I'm gone for the weekends. I love the "stuff" to do, and choice of not doing the "stuff" and just staying in (in LA).

Laguna Niguel is a different story. Not much going on, not a whole lot of options, more families than trendy types. Not really exciting. The choice to stay in is not really a choice at all, it's inevitable. I spent 2hours and 15minutes on the 5fwy. last friday to have an incredible weekend with friends. I don't really mind the drive once I'm where I want to be. Some may disagree, but for right now, at this time in my life, LA is the shit.

Just noticing a trend

I've been on the blogging tour for a little while now. I just got my laptop about a month ago and have tried to make up for lost time. Pretty much, if you look at a comment on any of my blog links, I'll have written something. BUT...and this is what I've been noticing...I kill comment strings, or I just catch them at the wrong times, because I tend to be the very last person to comment on every single post. I have a sister we like to make fun of because she kills joking strings, I wonder if this is just something that runs in the family?

A Brief Continuation

De-constructing a belief with the intention to build it back up makes sense to me. If the questions being asked are asked with the honest intention to rebuild upon a stronger foundation, why not question? It would be naive of me not to question, or have questioned Christian foundations...who would I be if I haven't? But, the purpose of this breakdown, separation and search is to build a stronger foundation on what is knowable. There are certain mysteries of the Bible that are unknown, and cannot be certain. However, the character of God and the purpose of Jesus are crystal clear. No mystery. What saddens me, is the individual who's purpose in questioning is to deconstruct a faith they once lived, so they are not held accountable to their sin. Thus they build their own foundation on the unknown mysteries of the Bible and have disproved Biblical foundations altogether. Bits and pieces of Biblical principles will be their focus, along with bits and pieces of eastern principles etc.

Theology

I've been in conversations lately which I would title, The Purpose of Jesus and Sin. The conversations are generally about sin, what is considered sin, how do we define sin etc., or Jesus' purpose, Jesus' example and the human element within the "why" Jesus at all. People are always claiming to be searching for answers when theological questions arise, but are they? I mean, I have questions about general information that I am not actively searching for answers to right now. For example: How do I make soup taste the way my mother made it? Why does Modest Mouse only have one song worth listening to on their newest album? Why does my car get horrible gas mileage? Among other questions I'm not searching for answers. Furthermore, I have made conclusions on some questions without even really searching for answers. For instance, my car's gas mileage...probably because it needs a tune up, that's my conclusion, I'm not going to search any longer for that answer, it may not be the right answer, but I've made it my answer.

I know these are gross analogies, but it makes sense in my mind. If I were really trying to find out how my mother makes soup taste the way it does, I'd most likely talk with my mom to answer that question. I would not consult Betty Crocker or go to soup conferences and trade shows, or listen to a speaker on soup or become apart of a cause to end horrible soup making. Nor would I look to those who have tasted my mom's soup (my sisters for example) and determine their way of making soup is so grossly embarrassing to how my mother makes soup, I'm not even going to associate with that kind of soup making, therefore driving me to decide that I must make the soup I think my mom intended it to be made and thus creating, in a way, my own soup.

Sometimes the answers to the questions we ask about Jesus, God and Sin are so clear, we really don't have to keep questioning. Like, did Jesus sin? For those who like questioning and not really looking for the answers, it's a great question to ponder; but honestly, if one believes in the God of the Bible, and understands the character of this God, than is that really a "good" question? If it is in Jesus' character to sin, than you must also believe it is in God's character to sin as well. Making a belief and trust in that God no more confident than the belief and trust in your neighbor. Or, you must not believe Jesus was God, thus not making you a Christian at all. And, if that question is sparked by the actions of those who grossly interpret and believe in this God of the Bible, and the "search" for the answer to the question is dictated by "God conferences", speakers, social causes etc. and not directed to the actual Creator Himself, then what are you really doing? To me, you are creating in essence, your own idea of God, and from there, creating a reality which does not have truth at all.

I believe it is easy for people to hide behind the search, creating a god that fits their needs and convictions, a god without reference, without boundries. Once their god is created there is freedom to live life according to their own will. Freeing them to live life motored by impulse rather than reverence and submission. Thus, people ask questions for the sake of asking questions, which triggers an existential collapse and results in a slow, anguished decay... leaving a shadow with no conviction, and tragically someone who is rendered irrelevant.

Anybody a "Way of the Gun" fan?

haven't seen it in a while...

What other movies haven't I seen in a while?

Drop Dead Fred
Titanic
A River Runs Through It
Red Dawn
E.T.
American Graffiti
Schindler's List
Police Academy 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...etc.
Airplane
Rambo First Blood
Strange Brew
Fatal Attraction (actually, never seen it)
Terminator II
What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Fight Club
Se7en
Godfather I & II
Legends of the Fall
Top Gun

Am I missing any movies you haven't seen in a while, or did I name any you have seen lately?

Reading can be like Jogging

In response to KCS's post "I miss reading...for me".

For some, jogging has a real purpose. They anticipate the push, the clarity, the pumping of the blood and burn of the muscle etc. For me, I find jogging to be a complete waste of my time. Although I believe jogging is good for me and will do wonders for me in the future, I just don't see any purpose to it other than: human= running. I understand people must jog to loose weight etc. but, I don't have to lose weight, I'm actually pretty thin. I do a lot of walking, especially when I'm traveling and taking pictures, but, I usually walk with a purpose. To jog simply to jog, blows my mind.
Which brings me to reading.
In the past, reading was something I did for a purpose, or something I had to do. By the age of 7 my dad tried to make me read A Tale of Two Cities. It was me, a lamp, a couch, the Tale, a pad of paper, a pencil and a dictionary (so I could look up words I didn't understand, write them down, and come up with other sentences to use the unknown word in). It felt like I was going on a 5 mile jog; just way too much for me.
Anyway, to tie this all together. I enjoy reading, I have for some time now. However, it took me many, many years to feel that way. Every time I picked up a new book, whether it be The Picture of Dorian Gray, On the Road or Choke, I had to convince myself I was actually doing something. I had to Convince myself that it was not a waste of time, but I was going to enjoy it. Even today, when I look at the book I've been reading for 6 months now...I cannot get myself to read it. I know I want to and should...it's a great book!But, I have a difficult time convincing myself "I'm doing something." I enjoy it though.

I hate jogging.

It's funny that watching ESPN/FOX/CNN/News/Discovery Channel/History Channel etc, or simply listening to music with a beer makes me "feel" like I'm doing "something". I think I'll go home tonight and...ahh hell, who am I kidding, I know I'm not going to read tonight!

Not much to say...

That pictures can't explain

A few in NYC

Travels Begin.....Tomorrow!!

Two weeks ago I was setting my schedule for the month of May. I really couldn't believe I would be traveling to New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Houston and Boston all within days of each other. I think back one year ago and cringe at where I was:
1. Sleeping on an air mattress in the kitchen of a bachelor apt. in Redondo Beach.
2. Working with an individual who would like to attain greatness, but has no capacity for it.
3. Ignoring and denying bills and debts as if the responsibility would just melt away like butter on hot toast.
4. Finally; Repeating the same daily routine with the belief "this would get me where I was best suited to be."
Now don't get me wrong, there are many things that have not yet changed, but a mentality for change was created in a very very short period of time.
1. I still sleep on an air mattress, but in my own room with my own bathroom. Air mattress to be gone once I'm done traveling.
2. I work with individuals who would like to attain greatness, but actually have the capacity to do such, and desire to pass that on to individuals like myself.
3. I haven't resolved my "parking ticket issues" but that might take some time for me to justify, but I have a different mindset and philosophy regarding responsibility with money and where it all goes.
4. I'm grasping the idea that I am best suited where I was meant to be, around successful individuals who see and desire to see the potential I possess come full circle. Where I can be at my essence PRODUCTIVE and INVALUABLE.

I was listening to Erwin McManus this morning on the way to work,(a ritual I assure you will become daily) and he was talking about the moments in our lives where we just don't get why God has placed us in the situation we are in. We look around and see everyone else getting away with murder, but WE know if WE even attempt to do ANYTHING WE know isn't exactly right, WE will be punished, or disciplined. WE hate that idea, at least I do. So, I wrestle with God, I actively rebel against what I know to be right, I indulge in the Solomon pleasures of life which all do become meaningless in the end. Listening to this, I couldn't help but reflect on all that I have experienced in this year. Rebelling, indulging, ignoring, running, denying, fighting, asking and finally...reflecting. The sweet silent whisper of God which came to Elija was with me in MN. In the sleepless nights, physically weak and worn, there was a whisper saying "don't quit, you are intended for great things". I know God disciplines those he loves, and I can assure you, I've questioned many times whether or not I even love God myself. I know he is actively guiding my life, but many times not in the way I would like, and as a child I scream and yell because I don't get my way, and as a child...question whether or not that discipline is worth loving those who discipline.

And now, in the stillness of this night, here in Laguna Niguel, I reflect once again upon those events of the year past and wonder, where would I have ever been able to go, do or become without the violent discipline and quiet whisper of God teaching me and guiding me through events of my own life?

Tomorrow I leave for New York City and cannot believe the very desire, so often shadowed by the desire to find true intimacy, is now a reality. I will be traveling for business, for pleasure, for photography, for experience, for friends...for it is God's will I do such, without asking, without my control and without my own immediate desire...I travel. Thus, this is truly the beginning of "A look at what's next".

Dare I wander?

This afternoon:
Fodorstravel.com, yep, that's my new favorite website for this month. I've been trying to determine if it would be wise to stay up all night in Manhattan on Friday, wandering the streets til dawn. My sister doesn't think it's a smart idea, I'm beginning to agree with her. There was once a time when I wandered around Vienna til 4am, but I think those days are over, or they should be. I mean how much do you think it would cost to get a hotel room (nothing fancy) in downtown Manhattan? $180.00/night? I'll be spending a total of three nights in NYC and to commute from NJ everyday doesn't seem worth it either.

The Weekend

Some Weekend Activities

The Weekend

The weekend is coming to an end, and I've been busy. Party, party, party.
Need time for sleep. Need time to relax and read. I think my mind moves too fast to settle down and focus on what I want to do. I'm always longing to be hanging out and spending time with my pals. Read. I need to read. I'm feeling a pull somewhere inside, a desire to do something other than read. Good books sit on my shelf and stare at me. I find value in schedules, I might as well schedule "book time" with no music, no beer, no distractions...just a good solid book.
Books that are sitting on my shelf:
"The Bible"
"The virtue of shelfishness"
"Atlas Shrugged"
"The Art of Shaving"
...others too...
Bible could be a good one to pick up every now and then...and by "now and then" I mean every morning. Got some ideas about how to find time to read?

This Stays Between You and Me

I trust you, I know you won't say anything unless I tell you it's okay. I know this is kind of a surprise n' all...I'm sure you weren't expecting me to say this, but, I hope you understand. Actually, I know you understand, I mean, you've done this a thousand times and really...I wonder if you've ever second guessed yourself. I guess it could all get really interesting in the end, but I don't think I'm gonna stick around long enough to see what becomes of all this. We'll see...
...I'm heading out. Catch me on the PCH sometime.

The Opposite of Bad

building something from the ground up is never an easy task. building something from the ground up with a rough idea of what you want it to look like in the end doesn't get any easier. right now I am working with 5 people to build, design, establish a department. we know what it's going to look like in the end, but the process in getting it there is educational.

I work for a major software company and am assisting in the launch of a semi-new service we will be providing our customers. the detail involved is overwhelming, and at times frustrating. I really can't speak too much about it, I've only been in this position 5 days now. what I do know for a fact, is I will be travelling a ton. probably will head to Europe and Mexico too.

when I was "home", without a job, no money and no car, I almost didn't take this opportunity. I think I was looking at doing banking or something, maybe loans? I don't know, it was all very unclear. while I was kicking and screaming, talking smack to God, asking questions of why, I was never given an answer as to "why". God never answers questions of why until you decide the why doesn't really matter anymore. it's probably that way as a parent, you can answer the question of why to your child, but it will never satisfy because there is always another why question immediately after you answer. I think at one point I was an annoying child throwing a "why" out there too many times, and I never even heard the answer. right now, I think I might be in the right place for that answer to fully develop.

I don't even think the answers in the end will even apply to a "why" question. maybe more of a "how" question.

Bedtime Stories

At what point do we stop listening to bedtime stories?
I was at my sister's house on monday night and sat in on the nightly bedtime story. My 6 year old nephew was playing around with his teenage mutant ninja turtle toy from Mcdonald's and my 4 year old niece was pointing out the pictures in the book. Now, I've read bedtime stories to these two kids before, and I never noticed the way they pay attention to the actual story. I think I used to just drift off into space when a story was being read to me, it was more of an excuse to stay up late. My nephew is asking "what's this word?" and "how do you say this word?" and he's only asking about one or two words that don't make sense in the spelling to a 6 year old, the kind of words one cannot sound out...
...I guess I still like bedtime stories. I read before I go to bed most of the time, but I guess it would be nice to sit back and listen to a story being read every once in a while. Just a thought.

Back On

It might just be me, but when things aren't going well, I like to hide from people. I don't return phone calls, I don't blog, I shut down a bit to certain people in my circle, I fall into a routine and include no one, I look at past writings and delete them.

When things go well, I pretty much talk about it all the time. What are the things in my life right now that are great? Take a guess.